The uphills of life

I've had a rough week. It started out with having horrible mid terms. I messed up the first paper, and then with my misery, there was a domino effect onto the other papers as well. I kept trying to redeem myself, and work harder for the next paper, but i was let down by my own foolishness time and time again.

If i were to rate my mental strength on a scale of 10, I'd give it a 5. I am a passionate person, but I lack the drive more often than not. Somewhere along the way, the dry cold weather, the bitter winds and rain, the never ending demands of medical science, the constant battle with memorizing things I don't need to learn, the lack of family and friends, the weight of my emotions, have all stripped me bit by bit of my motivation to do this course. I now find myself wondering the purpose of continuing, if not to not waste the past 2 years and my family's live savings. I've lost the interest in, not my course, just the studying. And I've most definitely lost interest in this place.

Who was I trying to kid? I hate studying. Yet i dove into another 3 year full time degree just to get myself into the field I wanted to be in. I didn't want to just "do a certificate course" because I didn't want my "not-so-desirable" qualification to outshine my "truly desired" qualification. This one had to be better, if not at par. I know nobody is going to judge, but I would. And it would annoy me if I had to live my life knowing I was a graduate in a course I didn't intend to use, and only a "certified" in a course I wanted to be identified with.

That was initially.

I now no longer think of my first degree as an obligation. It was a good investment, for my future. And what I am studying now would set me apart from your regular personal trainer at the gym. I'd actually KNOW what I'm talking about. And with both my equal qualifications combined, I intend to make a change in my own country. That is the plan.

And I still want those dreams. Now more than ever that ideas are rapidly forming in my head day after day. I want to get started on them! I want to move, progress, take a step UP! But the journey seems a lifetime away with the amount of studying, assignments, lab reports and exams I have to endure before I can begin. And my level 5 mind is extremely tempted to just give up.

But my ego refuses. I want the degree. I think it is becoming less of a passion now, and more of a necessity. I want the darn degree, if it kills me. I have come too far to turn back. I am not going to walk away in vain. I have had to put up with a lot of crap this past 2 years I should at the very least bring home that piece of paper that would define my future.

Yes I've had many rants this semester. Please don't think I'm not trying to be happier. I am. But Auckland keeps screwing me over...

this morning is not my finest moment. today is not my finest day.

i feel crappy. how i long for one of those long, dragged out mamak sessions with julie or ven nee, stirring the remaining melted ice water in cups of what was once teh o ais limau.

c'mon, rubber duckie. time for you to bounce back now.

The earth turns, the sun burns, but I die, without you

I went to watch Rent yesterday. Live in The Civic. It was AWESOME. I've watched the movie production, the Broadway cast on video, and now live on stage. I'm not tired of it yet.

In fact I find that every time I watch it, and every time I listen to their songs on loop, I understand it more and more.

Definitely my favourite musical of the century. =)

Sometimes, I'd like to think, if my days on earth were numbered, what would I do? What would I do, first?

I guess I'd give and receive as much love as I possibly can, from family and friends.

Go on a holiday with my family. Stay in a jungle chalet, go jungle trekking, caving. Have a huge seafood dinner. Play badminton.

Have a night out with my friends. Drink to my heart's content. Get completely wasted, talk heart to heart. Sleep over, eat, indulge.

And snuggle up with you. Watch movies. Go camping. Sit by the fire, stare at the moon and stars. And just tell you how much I love you.

um...yeah. =)

Wherefore art thou, Romeo?

Chivalry isn't dead. I know it isn't...it's just suppressed for now. Waiting for the right woman to come along to lavish on.

I want a husband like Karen Cheng's. Can?

30

30 months and counting.

what if i told you

what if i told you i miss you
over and over again
what if i said, i wish you were here
to help reduce the subtle pain

what if i called you late at night
just to hear the sound of your voice
what if i wanted to talk to you
so much, i didn't have a choice

what if i said, i dream of you
just about every other night
what if i said, i dread waking up
because, of you, i dread losing sight

what if i said, i love you
for about the millionth time
what if i said, that every second
you're always on my mind

what if i said, i love you
when i look straight in your eyes
is it enough to win your heart
tell me, would all of this suffice?

***

Clearly i am missing somebody. The picture is the Classic Chocolate Cake at Delicious. He dropped a drop of chocolate fudge onto the cake and it miraculously formed a heart shape. Trust the romantic in me to think it was quite amazing.