the closest thing to crazy

How can I think I'm standing strong,
Yet feel the air beneath my feet?
How can happiness feel so wrong?
How can misery feel so sweet?
How can you let me watch you sleep,
Then break my dreams the way you do?
How can I have got in so deep?
Why did I fall in love with you?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

How can you make me fall apart
Then break my fall with loving lies?
It's so easy to break a heart;
It's so easy to close your eyes.
How can you treat me like a child
Yet like a child I yearn for you?
How can anyone feel so wild?
How can anyone feel so blue?

This is the closest thing to crazy I have ever been
Feeling twenty-two, acting seventeen,
This is the nearest thing to crazy I have ever known,
I was never crazy on my own…
And now I know that there's a link between the two,
Being close to craziness and being close to you.

...and being close to you
...and being close to you.

Katie Melua
Call Off The search

i have no idea

So i sat for my MedSci 142 exam today. And it was really really tough. I guess there were questions which i could do quite easily. There were questions where I had to take a wild guess. And there were questions where even guessing was impossible. And i left them blank. Inevitably.

I have no idea how i fared. I thought I was gonna have that big weight lifted off my chest, but for some reason I feel worse now than I did before the paper. There's a lingering thought/feeling inside of me that is rather negative, that I do not wish to say it aloud, for fear it might come true. All I can say is, what if it's not over yet?

I'll find out in due time I guess...*shrug*

chillax

Hey, I am feeling heaps better now after doing another paper and a few more questions, and i went "Hey I know this". so yeah...ego's been boosted again. Sorry about my breakdown yesterday. Panicked a bit. But I'm ok now...=)

A lot of people left me with many wise and comforting words, people from Perth, Kursk, UK, Singapore, home...thanks a bunch, guys. Some of you really helped me put things into perspective, while others just made me renew my own self faith. I'm actually quite glad my exam is tomorrow. After tomorrow I'd be able to breathe much more comfortably...=)

***

Drama aside, Shermayne and I went grocery shopping last night to stock up for this exam-cramming period we're going through. And so with a mission to keep our energy levels up (and to achieve 2 sets of $40 to get the fuel discount at Pak'n'Sav), we loaded our trolley with...
yeah...CHOCOLATES and CHIPS and COOKIES...hey, one man's junk is another girl's BRAINFOOD ;)

btw, are there Kit Kat cookes n cream back at home? Coz they're the bees knees i tell ya! If there aren't any I'm buying a whole bunch of 'em home. =)

don't

I am sitting here, with wells of tears threatening to fall off my lower eyelids at any second. breathing is the only thing i can do right now as she's downstairs, and I really don't want her to know I am about to bawl my eyes out.

It's so hard. I am definitely not the strongest person in the world because when it comes to addressing my emotions, I cave easily. The ground i stand on just trembles and cracks at my feet whenever I am emotional.

I am trying my very best to reason with the devil in my head that is telling me this is not worth it. It is. It definitely is. Because I want to be here. I want this damn degree and I'm going to get it. But for now I really just want to cry and scream because this damn subject is bloody overwhelming. For the first time in my entire life I had studied the whole damn syllabus, every damn page, every damn word of the damn coursebook from Saturday the 18th of October 2008. I read it all! I understood it. I was beaming with pride last night as I flipped over the last and final page of the damn course book because i can safely say i finished studying. Never in my life have I done that.

So today I attempted a question paper. And although I did not expect to know every answer (lest I expect myself to get 100%), i sure as hell did not expect to NOT know ANY answer. I had to thumb through my notes, my books, my slides, and the gyri and sulci of my damn slow processing brain to find answers for questions that aren't even hard. They're straightforward questions that ask "what's this" and "what's that" or "label this". Stuff that does not require understanding, rather a BLOODY BIG MEMORY SPACE.

I am so pissed off at myself right now because i spent 10 friggin' days to study the whole damn syllabus only to arrive at square one again. What do i know? A lot. A lot that somehow does not get tested in the bloody exam.

WHY? I don't know. I am feeling just about as useful as a mole on the side of my nose.

God I really wish it's worth it in the end. Because this ain't the only Medsci subject. There's Biosci next sem and Medsci 205 the year after. I really don't want to say this, but right this very moment I don't feel like i am cut out for science anymore.

Maybe i'm just not smart enough. Who am I trying to kid?

what drives me

silence...
listen to the thumping. that's your heart.

determination...
look up. visualise the finishing line.

song...
hum the melody, mouth the words, keep on going.

skin...
caressed by the wind. the faster you go, the cooler it gets.

shine...
look good. that's not beauty lotion. it's sweat.

power...
pumping through your veins. fueling your every stride.

sweet...
candy isn't. victory is.

what drives you?

because i can

it's a sunday morning. i woke up at 9.50 am. i've had bread with cheese and margerine. then a kiwi, banana, yoghurt smoothie. then a CookieTime cookie.

because i can.

***

i don't really like mornings. because everyone at home is sleeping. and i've got no one to talk to online.

***

i'm looking forward to beach time on the 15th with Rachel and friends.

***

i'm absolutely stoked about the kauri run on the 22nd.

***

i'm coming home in a month. sweeyyytttt!