necessity, rather than luxury

i think i'm starting to actually need a boyfriend, rather than want one.

yes...i think the whole boyfriend issue is more of a necessity now rather than a luxury item.

i need one. why?

because, as humble as i can put this, i'm attracting to wrong guys. "wrong" being the adjective to describe the situation, not the guys. i am not particularly shallow. i do place importance on looks but that isn't the deciding factor. there are many other things to consider like, maybe, love and chemistry. i just don't feel interested in any of them. it could be that i am reluctant to let myself be interested. but the bottomline is i'm not.

and unless i can continue to churn out creative (buy-able) excuses to turn them down, i seriously think i need a social status change. i'm not skilled in saying a flat out no. i don't have the heart to do so. or the courage. either way i suck at being direct. i often resort to avoiding the guy, ignoring the guy or asking friends to help me out.

but my creative brain juice is running dry and i really shouldn't be wasting it on thinking up excuses, and i will never be able to say "i'm not interested in you" in the boldest, simplest, most direct way.

goodness...i've brought desperation to a whole new level...

anyway, i just found out last night while tinkering with my videocam software that i have a pretty cool photo editing software. i've been playing with it all day...here are some stuff i've been doing...haha....

someone

i somehow discovered that there is a lump in my neck. it actually does not hurt, nor itch, nor bother me in any way. i don't even know how long it has been there. but now that i've felt it, i can't stop touching it. and i can't help knowing it's there. my mum thinks its the cause of my recurring headaches. she wants to bring me to UH to check it out. my dad thinks it's my lymph node. i personally have no clue.

i paid my dad RM218 today. i owed him that much for STOMP coz i used the credit card to get the tickets. so there goes my gymrama coaching pay. money is so hard earned.

feeling a bit guilty for something i did...

i didn't mean to tell a lie
i guess i just didn't feel like going
i didn't mean to fake an excuse i guess
i didn't feel like explaining

i don't think you'll understand
if i told u i've someone else in mind
someone i don't think anyone would size up
at least not for this point in time

i can't seem to put a finger on it
why i don't want any other
i can't seem to come up with reasons
to tell myself i should search further

someone i know for a fact
that isn't for me to call mine
someone i know for a fact
that has left his past behind

i don't think u'll understand
if i told u, that there is none
that will make me feel the way i do
like that special someone

random absurdity

1. lyn, rosie and I are gonna perform for the holidy villa gimrama grading! woohoo! its been so long since we performed together. ah miss miss MISS those timess...the group routine...the centralised training...the MSSM...the laughing together...the crying together...whoa...precious moments man...

2. i just went to holiday villa to pay mrs khaw a visit and i came home with this:

my pay for just 2 days of substituting her. Darn i should be a coach!

3. i have been asked by Cik Hooi and Pn Wan to do a performance for some makan malam that SMKSJ is organizing. and while chatting with some friends just now i came up with the utterly bizarre idea of doing a performance by an all-teachers'-children cast! i spoke to zhun neay and he thinks its a great idea. now my only worry is getting these people. so..
attention all proud children of SMKSJ teachers. if you will be around on Feb 25th 2006 please try to take part in this. let me know! you got my number!

4. i went to develop the film of the disposable camera that we were given during the hunt. it's been ages since i went to develop photos. hehe feels kinda weird doing so...i don't know why...

5. a new shop just opened in Subang Parade and their beautiful 3 for RM10 earrings are almost irresistable!

i'm histrionic

gee...if i said i knew myself i am dead wrong...

Disorder	Rating
Paranoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizoid Personality Disorder:	Low
Schizotypal Personality Disorder:	Moderate
Antisocial Personality Disorder:	Low
Borderline Personality Disorder:	Low
Histrionic Personality Disorder:	Very High
Narcissistic Personality Disorder:	High
Avoidant Personality Disorder:	Low
Dependent Personality Disorder:	Low
Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder:	Low
-- Take the Personality Disorder Test -- -- Personality Disorder Info --

some things just don't change

i was having a chocolate sundae in McDs today...the one that's around the corner from my college.

Shakti and i were just talking about stuff that we've been meaning to talk about but we kept putting off because we just didn't have the time to. haha...

there was a group of students who were snapping pictures. out of the corner of my eye i saw them, and i said "sure Taylor's students..". hehe...i have this theory whereby i can differentiate a Metro-ian and a Taylor-ian when i see one.

anyway, suddenly i heard an unmistakble voice, and amidst the group of camwhores i spotted Jocelyn Kung. my! Gawd knows when was the last time i saw her! haha...she saw me too, and came over to give me a hug. I wished her Happy Belated Birthday as i know she shares it with Titus. The catching up process went like this:

me: hey! its been so so long since i last saw you!
jo: (as high pitched and shrill as before) yea! omg!
me: yea..so how have u been? where u studying now?
jo: there...Taylor's.
me: TBS? or some degree in Taylor's?
jo: nola...SAM
me: eh..why so late? what have u been doing all of last year?
jo: nothing...just hanging around...
me: oh icic...i thought u went NS or something.
jo: (mortified) what?!? no!! do i look darker? do i look like NS material to you?!?!? *gasps and clutches face*
me: haha nola...i just thought maybe u had to go for NS...don't worry...u look fine...why all in black? *gestures to all her friends*
jo: oh..it's a SAM thing...our class just decided to wear black...

hehe....some things just don't change....

the sweet smell of completion

can u smell it? i'm through with projects and assignments! no more for the year 2005!

i'll be presenting one last thing tomorrow morning for Management and that's it! no more researching, and group discussions, and Harvard referencing...

ah! the sweet sweet smell of the year end! soon i'll be done with finals! Done with Semester 2! Done with Year 1!

Things i intend to do during my summer break:
1. Get a job. Preferably one in the fitness industry, that pays well and i don't dread going to.
2. Plan outing with RSGs. This is like a MUST.
3. Plan outing with SJian gang. What is it i heard? Langkawi? Bring it on!
4. Plan outing with G5-ers. Faster come home people!!
5. Challenge my Kor to a 5 km run.
6. Find a partner for Trail Blazer. Wild category this time?
7. Enjoy myself in OBS.
8. Rearrange my room.

Things i intend to buy during my summer break:
1. Roman sandals for OB
2. Hammock for OB
3. Nike dri-fit tights
4. Mountain bike
5. Dress for Teng Jie's wedding

How can I possibly wait?