T minus 39 days to the Big Eagle

It's just a little over the month to Ironman. I had initially wanted to write a post with my thoughts about my whole journey at exactly 30 days to Ironman, but I happen to have some free time right now, and my notebook is fully charged right this very moment, so I figured I would do it now.

It's been roughly 8 months since I started my "Road to Ironman" adventure. I had toyed with the idea of taking part in what seemed like an insanely difficult task for a few years now, though I always brushed it off with a laugh at precisely how insane and impossible that idea seemed. My brother, Kevin, has done it numerous times and seemed to love the sport very much. I have had my fair share of Olympic distance triathlons and have uttered the words "I will never do an Ironman" a few times. So what changed?

I guess it all changed last year, when Ironman came back to our shores. After a 4 year hiatus, Ironman Malaysia came back with a bang, and as soon as the registration opened, everybody jumped on that bandwagon. At that time I was still in the state of mind that I will never ever do an Ironman. It was just way too far out of my league. Little did I know, though, that my mind would be changed by the people around me very very quickly.

To cut to the chase, my friends who bike and run were all signed up for this big event and suddenly I was immersed in the Ironman conversation day in and day out. Externally, I shook my head when I read or hear about the training sessions they put themselves through but in my head, something chipped away at the mental wall I had built inside, and slowly I felt a desire to be one of them. I have always had a competitive streak in me and I couldn't help but think that if my friends could do it, so could I. That's right, I could do an Ironman, I totally could!

But even for someone like myself, who usually wings it, I was a little wary of the amount of work I would have to put in to survive the Ironman. I am no longer 21 years old and I knew (as much as I try to deny it) that I couldn't just rock up and swim 3.8km, bike 180km and run 42km with no physical and mental preparation whatsoever. This is a different ball game.

So in April 2014, I completed the 70.3 Ironman Putrajaya. It was painful. But the satisfaction was indescribable. I knew for sure, then, that the full Ironman is no joke. But I was prepared to take it on. I started to take training a little more seriously from then, with the support and help from Gary and my big brother. I knew I wasn't ready to do it in 2014. I wasn't ready to give up so much time for it, yet.

Come 2015, February, as Chinese New Year rolls out of the picture, I decided I was ready. I was going to start taking my training seriously. I was going to set some rules, plan some routines, and told my fiance that if I wailed and whined, he would just need to say "Suck it up, Buttercup" and tell me to stick to it. And this happened on many occasions, to be honest. *oops*

The progression of my training was slow. I started up with just a bike trainer session once a week. Then I ventured into adding a swim session in on a weekly basis. As time went on, I got in long rides on the weekends. Did my first 3-digit ride with my friends, and then did a few more until 3-digit rides became the norm.

It wasn't until I finally signed up for the race in June, when sh*t actually got real. I don't really remember how, but suddenly it was minimum 1 hour training every day, 2 trainer days a week, 2 swim days a week, long rides on weekends and just finding time to swim, bike or run whenever I get some free time. Gone were my naps, gone were my breakfast out with mom and dad, gone were watching tv series on my notebook. I was so tired at the end of every week, Monday just seemed impossible to wake up to. I was on the brink of burning out, and much sooner than I expected.

I know myself very well, and I am not afraid to admit that I am lacking in discipline when it comes to training. Hence, to make it even 3 months long, I think that is quite a feat. I love keeping fit and working out, but I also love relaxing and having down, low key times. So it got too difficult too fast and many times I found myself cursing this Ironman and what it has done to my life. But I usually try to take 3 deep breaths and thank the stars above for sending me kind, patient and loving Gary who bears the brunt of all my worst days and still sticks around to see my pull through.

So that leads me to here. Now. 8 months into my "Road to Ironman". Am I still training like a maniac? Mm...not really anymore. Is it time to taper down already? Probably not, still got 5 weeks. But I am cutting myself some slack for my mental health. I am doing okay. I have worked hard and the results are showing in my performances in the past couple of 113km races. I am cycling better and running stronger. I complain less about the water. I'm on track even though I know I could do more.

Right now I just want to do my best, without sacrificing my life, and my job. I need to work to make a living and I need to spend some time planning for other aspects of my life. But am I still Ironman focused? You bet.

And on November 14th, 2015, I will cross that finish line, and I'm gonna be an Ironman. Don't believe me, just watch. =)

March

Hello again. If you still read my blog, I say thank you very much, and sorry for the very very very infrequent postings. I have obviously too much on my plate right now, and also a fading interest in typing out my personal thoughts. I think I am becoming cold and hollow inside, like everyone else in this age of technology. Because we can create an emotion whenever and wherever we like these days. Want to laugh - go read 9Gag. Want to cry - just listen to the news. Want to feel jealous - scroll down your FB news feed. Want to b*tch about people - do the same. Everything feels superficial, man-made. Nothing ever comes from the heart any more.

I feel like that these days. I feel like my daily mission nowadays is nothing more than "Make more money". I have become one of those people who do their accounts every month end, gasp in disbelief, start to freak out, frantically try to piece together a new plan to save money and make more money simultaneously, and the whole thing repeats itself in a monthly cycle. Fast fading is my passion for sport and outdoor enjoyment.

Training sessions which were once fun things for me to do during the weekend have now become a thing I dread but know I have to execute. It has become "homework". I hate homework. I hate school and academics and anything that forces me to do things I do not like to do. I am starting to get cranky whenever people take sport so seriously. Especially the poor boyfie, who has done no wrong except to want to train and take his sport seriously. That, for some stupid reason, makes me feel like I am not taking things seriously enough and that annoys me. Because from the very get go, I never take my sport this seriously. It was always just an avenue to sweat, burn calories, make friends, go really fast and feel the wind in my hair, and that's it! I never really aimed to better my time, to correct my stroke, to reduce my inefficiencies. I never wanted to play this seriously but somehow, somewhere, sometime ago I got caught in the hype of it all. The kiasuness is intolerable. I have done the bike route of my Putrajaya IM TWICE! My inner hipster triathlete is going Whuuuuuuuttttt?!! Since when, in my 15 years of athleticism, have I ever checked out the route prior to race day. Like NEVER!

But I cannot blame anybody but myself. I am conflicted. On one hand, I have my business, which is my baby at the moment. My top priority. Every decision I make, and everything I do this year have got to do with growing my business. I am dealing with emails, and phone calls, and furniture, and fitness articles and programs and running clinics, and corporate companies, and locksmiths and so many many many things that I am so so so worn out by the end of the day. Mustering the strength to do a 90km bike ride on a Saturday morning just sounds unappealing as it is, what more if I have to go and struggle to keep up with my boyfriend and his friends. My ego has never been stretched this thin. Yet, on the other hand, I know that somewhere deep inside of me I am still that person who wants to succeed. I want to be able to race on 13th of April, and emerge victorious. I'm not looking to win top 3, but I would be extremely disappointed if I failed to complete this race. This damn race which costs me 250 USD.

Why did I sign up for this race? For reasons I still cannot fathom, I signed myself up for a RM650 race. Who the hell spends that sort of money on a damn hobby and then not train for it? Again, it boils back down to money. Or the lack thereof.

Urgh, the pressure! The stress! The regret! I feel it every single day as the day draws closer. What is wrong with me?

December

So...last post was September. Glorious month for 2013, that one. It was the month I truly felt liberated to run my own show, do my own thing where my career was concerned. Things were going smoothly, money was coming in, life was good.

Now it's almost 4 months later. I think things are still going well, but I haven't really been super happy of late. For starters, I seem to keep getting myself into all sorts of fixes with my friends. And the irony is that they all stem from me trying to do something nice for someone. From that, I somehow find myself either in a heated debate on my principles or, like what I did just yesterday, I end up paying through my nose for a careless careless mistake.

Maybe it is the pressure or stress from shouldering all responsibilities from my business? Or maybe it is just merely the fact that I have been resting my foot, and not running at all, and so I feel like I don't have an outlet. I think it is also the fact that I am DYING to move out and live my own life with my happy, but extremely high maintenance puppy, Milo, and get out of everyone's hair in this house, but I can't because I am not rich enough to buy or even rent a place of my own.

Maybe it is all. I guess this is it la, what everyone has complained about being an grown up, all the responsibilities, the stress, the fear of failure and rejection, the pressure to emerge successful. I am finally weathering this storm called Life and I don't know if I am handling it very well.

Poor Gary has had to endure a couple of my bitch fits because I am too stubborn to listen to any other person. I really should be a better girlfriend.

So, I am a little impatient for the year to end, truth be told. I am quite done with December, I've lost enough money and have only made very little in return. I have lost my head a few times due to the setbacks. I really think I need to manage my life a bit better...

It starts with being completely on my own, I feel. I need my own place. I really do. I am adult enough to make decisions on my own that does not require consent from anyone else.

And then we have 1 year.

I have been back to Malaysia for more than 2 years now. But officially, my company Kia Kaha Fitness was registered on this day, 5th of September, 1 year ago. =)

Confused rant few days ago aside, I actually am feeling pretty blessed. To have been given this opportunity to blossom as an Entrepreneur. To learn the tricks of the trade, stand on my own two feet, make my own decisions and call my own shots. To meet the many wonderful people that have made me feel so happy to be Karen Siah, Personal trainer and Fitness Instructor, as well as those who showed me the ways to better myself in every way.

I have endless gratitude to my parents and brothers, for without them many of my endeavours would have stopped short. I thank them for every single time they have egged me on. To my boyfriend and all my friends who have put up with my first few training sessions (while having a lack of experience), for those who signed up with me and went through my arduous sessions, I truly appreciate your support =) ALso thanks a million for the recommendations that you have sent my way. I hope to repay you with coffee, pints of Guiness or dinner as often as possible =)

1 year is a milestone, but most definitely nothing to shout about. The journey is just starting and I intend to make it a long and joy-filled one, with many a food for the soul and many a time for laughter :)

I feel bleh.

I think I should start blogging here again. Because I am starting to feel a little bleeehhh. Maybe this is my quarter life crisis. Maybe this is Life as we all know it, but I have not quite accepted it.

I read and see pictures about marathons and runs and races that have past. Friends and acquaintances take part and rave about it. I have this sinking feeling that I should be the one taking part in these runs. I miss doing that and being in the atmosphere of it all. Yet I feel the act of running simply growing stale. I feel like I need to do something else to feed me the same endorphin and adrenaline to stimulate my passion for these things again. But the things I want to do take time and money and I feel like time and money always have better places to be channeled into than my hobbies. Being a grown up sux.

I am jealous. Of friends and peers who can own nice flash cars, buy homes, invest in businesses, get married and plan a family. I don't like trailing behind. I like trendsetting. I like jet-setting. I like telling people about things I have done. I don't like listening in awe.

And what happened to running a marathon in a different country every year? I forgot that little thing called Cost when I made that plan. Why does everything cost so much? I am letting my years slip me by.

Life is good but it isn't really panning out the way I had hoped. Not fast enough at least.

I need more money. I need to have more purpose.

27 is the new awesome.

I'm twenty-friggin-seven years old. To me, that sounds extremely old. Mainly because I had envisioned myself to be married and probably with a kid now. Because at my age right now, my mum already had my big brother.

But when I think about it, I think I am living the best times of my life. Life for me, is pinker than a bed of roses, bluer than the sky on a summer's day, and peachier than peaches. When I laid my head to rest yesterday, completely exhausted from my weekend, I had the widest smile on my face. I fell asleep feeling so amazingly blessed, words won't do it justice.

I mean sure I just had my house broken into about a week ago, and my skin is close to charred from the sun, and I have an ulcer the size of Dumbo in my mouth making it very painful for me to shout, and eat and drink. But I am really happy.

My career is really bringing me places. I am now the new Ambassador for Nike Training Club, representing Nike Malaysia. I met the most amazing girls in fitness, from different nations. I have the most amazing job. My clients are succeeding in their heath goals. I am the fittest and strongest I have ever been in my whole life. I love the way I look and how I owe it all to just doing my job, and loving my job. Jobs, plural, actually. But the gist of it is I am so happy!

My friends, both old ones and new, are the most awesome people. Just because they are always lending their support in any way they can. I know they humour me most of the time, but God, I love them! Always a Whatsapp message away :)

My boyfriend, Gary, is heaven-sent. The most supportive and attentive partner I can dream of having, he makes me feel extremely loved and cared for every single day. He takes it all in, my tantrum should I throw it his way, my odd working hours, my need to constantly train, and sleep, and eat, he just takes it all in and creates an environment so conducive for me and my life. I struck gold the day I met him.I am extremely grateful.

My family never fails to show their support for everything I do. My brothers are the most amazing brothers, keeping track of my activities, and keeping me close to their hearts. My parents have to deal with my erratic lifestyle, exchanging the cars in the driveway for me, washing up my really dirty clothes, humoring me when I talk for hours on end about fitness and people I train.

I hope this never ends. I hope the downhill of all these joyous moments is lightyears from now, and that my life will continue to flourish till the day I die. =) That will be my birthday wish every damn year.

Don't ruin the future!

Children are the future, they say, and I cannot agree more. Children hold the very power to make or break the future, not just theirs in the long run, but also our own in the short run, say 20 odd years from now. I don't think I'll be dead yet so I'd really like to enjoy my not so distant future especially at my golden ages.

I recently visited a semi-privatised high school in KL and the experience I had with these teenagers...let's just say, I felt the need to blog about this the very instant I drove out of the school premises. I have been visiting a good 20-30 schools in this past 2 months, not to mention my 2 years of teaching PE before this, and never had I met such rude and disrespectful 16 year olds - all 368 of them. And this was a reputable school, a so-called "Sekolah Harapan" (Hopeful School).

At the start of our event, I did my usual sharing of knowledge about exercise and burning calories and strength training, and I kid you not, for every question I threw at these kids, I was met with a resounding "NOOO!". It was their favourite answer for everything!

"Guys are you ready for an awesome workout?" "NOOO!"
"Guys any of you are athletes or play sports?" "NOOO!"

Everything! The negativity alone was enough to tick me off. Then we proceeded with the activity. We had asked some of them to carry some picket boards bearing motivational phrases on them to cheer them on. Not 10 seconds into their training run and these kids started throwing these boards around and whacking each other with them! I was apalled! We also had these smartphones on loan to them to try out an app and before we started running one of them already caused a problem with one of the units. When I asked him "What happened, what did you do?" (In a nice polite way of course, not implying anything to him) and he replied "Hang kei maaa, not my fault also!" ("The phone froze, not my fault also"). I tried fixing the app for him and while I did this he said to me "Samsung of course laaaa, not iPhone also!"...

There was absolutely ZERO respect for these equipment that were on loan to them! That wasn't the end. There's more. During the activity, I was counting out the number of push ups for a group of kids, and one of  them had the nerve to swear at me for every count. His words were so crude so I started counting from zero again. And again. And again until I was pleased.

I don't know about you guys but we were a private company visiting their school for the first time to provide them a FREE training session and the way I was brought up, we treated visitors with respect and politeness. Not with disrespect for another person's private property and negativity.

Oh, I should also mention, that for the FIRST time in the past 2 months, the school celebrated the LAST team with roaring applause and laughter. They were SO glad to be the losers, that completely shot my blood past boiling point!

Parents, I am but a humble 27 year old who is single and have not had children. I do not know what it is like to raise a child. But I have BEEN a child, and a teenager and now a working adult. So forgive me for saying this but dear parents, just what sort of attitude are you guys condoning for your kids? To celebrate negativity? To treat others with disrespect? To have no drive and determination to be the winner? Why?

Please teach your children to be respectful and positive men and women. These are the very ones who will be running the country not too long from now. Your children are a reflection of your parenting, whether you like it or not. They are what you taught them to be.

Today is about me.

In the past couple of weeks I feel like my life has been given new meaning. I have been working on a new project with a new company I now work part time for, and we've been visiting schools. The gist of it is we design programs to encourage kids to run and be active. For every session I was given a mic, I went up on stage, I provided information, I made them cheer, I jumped, I ran, I yelled, and I inspired. You may wonder how I know if I had inspired those school kids. I know. It was blatantly obvious. The way they laughed, the way they cheered, the way they lined up to take pictures with me. I saw the photos they posted up on Instagram. There's even a #karen now. It may just be that they liked me because I was a girl decked top to toe in Nike apparel. It may just be because I represented Nike, a brand that is not their school. Whatever. I made an impact. It was satisfying.

It's funny how kids will want anything to do with an outside glamorous brand and nothing to do with their school. I am the same Teacher Karen that taught the same kind of kids in the school I was with before. Yet just putting on some branded clothes and slap on a cordless mic and suddenly I'm way better than I was before to these kids. Funny.

That's just one part of my life that has changed. I have also been doing many things for myself lately. I have been putting my mind into a project with a corporate company that's about to launch next week. Everything from dealing with security forms, to invoicing, to creating my own letterhead, even interviewing my first new assistant, are all new to me. And I did it. It's an amazing feeling knowing that everything is under my own control. I have the final say. Everything starts and ends with me. I can make or break this deal. Some people may find this a bit daunting, but I am relishing every bit of it. I feel like my dream is beginning to unfold. I am finally about to step into the arena, representing nobody else, but me.

I may have become a narcissist, but I have never been more proud of myself. I feel alive. I wake up every morning with a strong purpose. My life right now, is about me. Everything else can take second place right now.

*cue* Defying gravity.

:)

And it's gonna be March

Time really does fly.

Recently I made a decision to quit a job I have been doing for over a year for a new job....for less money. Why? Several reasons. The old job was getting a bit tiresome and I wasn't sure if my knowledge and skills were appreciated or made an impact on anyone's lives. It was also a little regimented, in that, I have to work my vacations around school holidays and I always had to find a replacement last minute if I am unwell, which is both a chore and loses me money. The new job is exciting, it's something I've never dabbled in before, and it will pay me a consistent basic salary. Which is good, except that it's very little in comparison to what I was getting before.

I'm enjoying it so far now. My life has definitely taken on a new spin since I started this new job and it's refreshing. But I think I'll start missing the money though. I kinda wish the new job would pay me a bit more, but I've spoken to the boss and he said no can do, so I guess whatever it lacks in financial gratification will be made up with experience. It's a contract till December only though so I figured I'd give it a shot till the end of the year.

In the meantime I am hoping to get more PT clients during the evenings or mornings. I hope that the new job timetable wouldn't hinder that schedule too much.

I don't know. Feeling a little unsure about this new arrangement, but I guess it's all part of experience no?

2012

It's the 3rd of January, 2013 and like always, I do a recap of the year. That's my tradition. I stopped making resolutions when I realised I never keep resolutions. I do better when I just resolve to progress as an individual and do new things. There, done. :)

Anyway, 2012 was my first year as a fully independent working adult. Of course, when I say "fully" I meant still-living-with-parents-and-occasionally-using-their-credit-cards "fully". heh. Ok, ok, Chandler Bing jokes aside, 2012 was a transitional year. Here's how it looked like.

I carried on being Teacher Karen at a new school. The kids loved me (I think) and I felt what it truly was like to be exhausted from work.
I gained a few more clients, different ones, with different personalities and everything. Always interesting.
I got certified to train pregnant and post partum women. (Go me!)
I started leading my own platoon at Rebel Bootcamp.
I took the whole year off from full marathons and did mostly 10s and 21s.
I kissed someone who makes me very happy and hey, last I checked, he's still with me. :)
I finally found someone who's right by me through all my races ♥
I went on BFM radio 3 times, to talk about different things. I realised I like radio, might be something I'd consider doing in the future.
I finally watched Wicked the musical in Singapore!
I started re-watching old episodes of Friends.
I got a new bike from my brother! And I train more now.
I did another Powerman.
I went to Kuala Terengganu to visit the boyfriend's parents for the first time.
I went to Phuket and Krabi, which was amazing till I got food poisoning on the 2nd last day.
I fell deeply in love =)

Not that big a year, but significant nonetheless. I have bigger plans this year with all the bells and whistles and everything! Watch me defy gravity.

For a sneak peak at what I did in 2011, click on the year.

Life and death.

I attended a funeral service yesterday for a good friend of mine who had just lost his father. I was slightly hesitant at first because the last time I attended a funeral service, I got really affected emotionally and I ended up not being able to sleep the entire night, with shivers of fear going down my spine. Whoa, right? I know.

Anyway, last night I went with some friends and while listening to the eulogies given by this man's family and friends, it occurred to me how little I know about my friend. I couldn't help but feel ashamed, for we've known each other for over 6 years and I couldn't even tell how many siblings he had, and whether he was the eldest, the middle or the youngest in the family. And while the pastor was talking about Death being a destination, and how you should live life well so that when you pass on, your life can be celebrated, I couldn't help but think to myself if I am doing what I can to live my life well. I don't even have a hectic schedule, nor any status or celebrity, yet I couldn't even name the number of siblings my friend had. Who am I?

I think it's so easy to get caught up in the race of life, even for someone like me who is not climbing the corporate ladder. It's just human nature, or should I say Asian nature, to chase wealth and success and keep up with the Joneses. So often I feel the pressure to buy a new car, just because my friend did, or buy a house, just because this person did...I keep thinking "we're the same age! And she's not even living at home any more!" and stuff like that. But there's so much more to life, as clichéd as it may sound. There really is. I don't even know why I have like a gazillion friends, yet I find myself not making any plans on a Friday night. I'd much rather curl up in my bed watching old episodes of Friends. Why? I use to crave social meet ups and hangout spots. But I feel like I am no more interested. And I don't know why.

Hmm...maybe I am rambling a little off topic here. But I think initiative is key. I do not take the initiative to keep in touch with my friends, to visit my relatives, to spend time with people I love and care about. And I'm only friggin' 26 with a lame entry level salary! I'm not even anyone rich and famous!

So coming back home last night, I thought to myself, that I need to take more initiative. I need to step out more, do more, care more. I need to live well and make my time on Earth matter.

Annoyed.

I'm a little upset with myself. I overslept, didn't hear my alarm, and missed an RBC session. That's $$$ down the drain because I didn't hear the damn alarm. This isn't the first time this month, I overslept twice, although I made it JUST in time the past two times, today being the first time I completely miss it. And I don't know why. I've been so good throughout the year. But I know that I have no one else but myself to blame. And I also know that whining about it isn't going to make things any better, and it damn well isn't going to solve anything. So...-end rant-.

To try redeeming myself I went out for a run and started thinking. I need a more sustainable income. I love what I do, and I love the freedom of having my own flexi hours. But whenever I fall sick, or want to go on a holiday or an emergency happens, I am losing out on quite a lot of income and that is not good. I wish I have some sort of sick leave or something.

And so I think it's time I start making some big decisions. I've accumulated an okay amount of savings over the past year. I think it's time I park some of it somewhere where I can generate more money. Otherwise I'll never get rich. Time to start making some real money, Karen.

Sick again.

There is something very wrong with my immune system. I'm sick again. For the umpteenth time this year. I swear, if I actually counted, I'd scare myself. Shouldn't I be really fit and strong and healthy? Shouldn't I fall sick much less than people who do not regularly exercise? Urgh. Not fair I tell you.

And because every time I fall sick and fail to go to work, I lose out on income. I need to find other means of income or else I'm gonna lose it one day.

I was thinking about my big dream to own my own place next time. My own community health centre. And the more I thought about it, the more I think I don't have the experience, or the knowledge or the network to start building my own business yet. I think about the people I work for, they all succeed because of their many many many years in the industry. They know their stuff.

I need to get there someday. I'd better have one solid idea for my business then.

meh.

I sometimes get little sparks of ideas which make me go, "OMG I got it! It's gonna be huge!". And I really wish I have the drive to follow those ideas and make them a reality. But then the rational part of my brain takes over and I start to think (which is a dream killer). I need more drive in me.

I haven't been running on my own in ages. I don't know why. I've kinda lost the mood to run. It's just whenever I find the time to run, it would be a decision I'd have to make between run and sleep. Sleep always trumps run. I think I love to sleep more than I love to run now. Oh, shoot me please.

I cannot wait for the school holidays. I've cut my school time down to only 2 days! And I've only got 3 more weeks of it. That's only 6 days! Why, oh why, do I feel so restless?!

The Auckland Marathon was last weekend and a few of my friends did really well! I wish I was there with them. It would've been my 3rd Auckland Marathon. I wonder if I can still run marathons any more. Maybe I totally suck at them now. *eek*

I'm being completely and utterly random tonight BECAUSE...(I think) Gary's coming home tomorrow morning and I'm so excited to see him that I cannot sleep. And I'm dreading the amount of work hours I have to go through before I get to meet him tomorrow night. Meh.

Miss.

I'm so pathetic. G's been gone for 10 days now and I really miss him. And I used to survive LDRs. Well, actually I didn't survive them that well, but I still kinda did! Urgh.

I guess this is another one of those tests to see just how much this boy means to me. I was listening to that women's station again and they were talking about that moment when you find out that he's the one. And it could be as simple as he orders your favourite food for you, and you look at him and then *BAM* it's him! He's the one! You know? I don't know if everyone goes through a moment like that, but I think right now for me, many little moments add up. Moments that make me go, wow, I really really like this guy. This is one of them.

I have taken a few wrong turns while I'm driving out for work because I would subconsciously drive in the direction of his house, and then I'd snap out of it and start cursing myself.

I have also found it incredibly tough to fall asleep some nights because I didn't get to talk to him, because he calls me every night to talk to me.

I have also found myself going "Ooh G will love this!" in my head when I come across a food or song or just random things.

I got it bad, don't I?

And it's October

Can you believe it? Gosh, the time!!

I spent the entire day today lounging around. Which isn't good, because when I don't do anything it means I don't earn anything. I've just gotten myself 2 days off from teaching in the school so I can focus more on Personal Training. But while I was able to make a couple of those materialise, I still need to work on getting more clients in during the day. Housewives and Aunties where are you?

I've been so busy for so long that when I finally got a day of doing nothing (Gary's in the States, hence I've been free), I found myself indulging in old episodes of Friends and getting emotional about Ross and Rachel. And then I decided to take a nap and that nap went on for 2 hours. Well, in my defence I did get up at 5 am this morning and slept at 12 last night and had a killer weekend. So I think I was just having a little down time. Rewind. Recharge. That jazz.

I tried to write something for my fitness site but nothing came to mind! In fact for the longest time, I haven't had any idea what to write about. I remember having a clue sometime back but I didn't have the time to sit down and do the research then. Today, I wish I had jotted that idea down somewhere. Geez.

Something hit me over the weekend. I realised that I am probably at my strongest, fittest form, ever. I ran 10km in 50 minutes. I look at myself in the mirror and I have to say I'm quite happy about how I'm looking. Friends are telling me that I look extremely fit from the photos they see on Facebook. I think I should take this opportunity to do something great! You know, before I go over the hill. And so, sitting down at a mamak after cycling 33kms with some friends, sipping teh c ais, and having my roti with 2 telur, I decided, I'm gonna do an IronMan. By hook or by crook, I'm going to achieve an IronMan before I hit 30. So, there.

And while I'm at it, why not do more things? Buy a property, join a gym and do RPM again, take vocal lessons. So much I want to do!

I really need to make more money.

Can I?

Things are moving pretty quickly for me, career wise. I've been working full time just over a year and in that short period of time I've managed to get myself into many MANY things. It's quite a thrill, mainly because I have envisioned all of this for myself, but living it makes it feel all the more extravagant.

But yet I seem to doubt myself quite often. "Can I?" is something I find myself asking over and over again, even when I have made a promise to myself to always take that leap of faith because doing so has granted me so much in the past. I am a leaper. I leap. Always have been, always will be (hopefully). I sometimes think Disney has ruined me, making me a dreamer, an idealist. I live for fairytale, dreams come true, and happily ever afters. But because society in real life as I've come to know, is quite the opposite, so while I have these vivid visions of my future, I still wonder "Can I?".

On a separate note, I realised that, evident from this blog, I think about my career a LOT. If it's not this, than it's about love & marriage, but still, most of the time I think about my career and where I am heading.  I don't know if people still enjoy reading this blog, or has it become quite boring. Meh.

Of proposals and weddings

No, not mine. Everybody else's. (wah sound so bitter).

I've been surrounded with news of engagements and tying the knots and gorgeous wedding dresses and locations for wedding shoots and so on. It really touches the heart seeing everyone finding true love and meeting their soulmate and all. I mean, as you already know, I'm a big, fat, hopelessly romantic goon who believe in the sanctity of "till death do us part", and having that one person made for you for eternity. (Now I hope Gary doesn't read this because he may get scared off).

Recently I've been hearing of engagements and weddings of people that I used to know quite well. People who were "friend-in-laws" in my ex relationship. And although that is done and dusted, and I've found myself someone truly worth loving, I can't help but feel slightly nudged in the ribs whenever I see news of these people tying the knot. I guess it just kind of reminds me that at one point in time, not too long ago, we were probably all hanging out at a kopitiam or a mamak together, some of them single at that point, some of them just found each other, and I was with the ex at that time and it just all seem so...I don't know...surreal, now that I have tried so hard to bury that past behind me. All these news just kinda bring up some old memories again.

The fact that I'm 26 and not getting any younger, and that one of my best friends is getting married in March next year, and that I've like a gazillion wedding invites all year long, just makes me a little antsy about the topic of marriage. I'll be very honest. I do really want to get married. But I also know that I've only been in this current relationship for barely a year, so I don't feel like thinking about whether this is the one right now and all that mumbo jumbo. I mean I love G very much. But for the time being, I just wanna leave it at that. Am I making any sense? I suddenly feel like I am Bridget Jones.

Anyway. The point is, I love it all. The stories, the strategy different guys adopt to propose to their girlfriends, the planning of the wedding, the photoshoot, the wedding dresses, the bridal party. I love weddings. And I eagerly anticipate my turn because I don't care who my husband turns out to be, but my wedding day is gonna be epic. =) Do I sound like I'm going crazy?

366 days and a bit

It's been 369 days since I touched down in Malaysia, armed with a new degree and raring to go into  life. I can't believe how fast time has flown. I was on BFM today and they asked me a lot of questions like "Why fitness?" and "How did you get here?" as if I have been "here" for so long. And I felt like I had so much to share as well, but at the same time I couldn't help but wonder if my words can really inspire others out there. I mean, who am I but just another 26 year old girl, fresh out in the working world. It's like Justin Bieber and his biographic movie. He's not even been in this world as long as I have, and they make a movie about him? haha...those were my thoughts anyway.

In the one year that I came home for good I have achieved so much that it feels more than just one year. Work has, of course, been the main focus of my life these past 12 months, and it has been an adventure to say the least. I still think I have a very long way to go to be at par with those I have a lot of admiration for. But it's ok, it is a journey I look forward to embarking on. :)

And I've found love. I think I'm really lucky to have found this one because he makes me happy. These past few months with him have been refreshing and inspiring because he truly allows me to be myself around him. Especially at this point of my life, where every day is a journey of self discovery for me, this boy encourages me to speak my mind, talk to him, let him help me work through life's daily obstacles and discover myself a little bit every day and I cannot thank him enough. I hope I can do the same for him. Much love. :)

I guess I realise today during the interview on air that I'm a big girl now. I need to start looking through the eyes of a grown up woman and take things more seriously. In life, in love, in relationships with the people around me.

Maybe tomorrow I'll find my way home

Stereophonics...isn't always my cup of tea but it's currently playing on air and it's somewhat suited to what I was going to write about anyway. =)

I think I feel a little unsure of my footing. I feel like my career path is somewhat more accelerated compared to other people's and while some may take a year or two testing the waters and figuring out what they'd like to be, I find that I need to make that decision now, or the soonest possible. Because while I kinda know what I want in life in terms of career, I am distracted by everything else in the market place. Suddenly there is more to the fitness world than what I knew of and I want to learn more and try more and see more. I want so much but I think I need to start homing in onto something in specific and pursue that journey. And if I want to achieve what I plan to achieve as young as possible, I had better get started because I'm not that young any more. Sadly. Meh.

Sometimes I wish I have a more brilliant mind. Like that of people who have made it big. I know there is a lot of sweat and tears poured into what they do, but not every hard working fool can reach such success. It takes a certain amount of brilliance and that much of life is unfair. Because brilliance could be blessed onto some undeserving people with the wrong intentions. While simple, less brilliant minds are inherited by the kindest and most hardworking of people. Not saying myself. While I try to be a good and caring citizen of society I know that I may not exactly the noblest of all.

So yea. I want to kick start my life. But how and what exactly, is the question.