Kia Kaha

It's not a resolution per se...

2012-01-28T15:24:00.000+08:00

I want to do this right this time. My brother is always saying I should just try it once, train really hard and properly for one race and see how the outcome is. I'm thinking maybe it's time I test this theory.

I never know what I am truly capable of because I'm never serious enough to put in the dedicated hours of training for a specific race. I write programs for people every day. I spell out instructions and goals for people to achieve. I tell them if they want it bad enough they'll get there. Oh don't I know it. But I am utterly bad at keeping my own discipline. I just let too many things get in the way. haha...

So I'm gonna try upping my training this time. I'm not gonna fix a set schedule, because, well who am I kidding, I'll never follow it once I know it's a "regime". But I'm going to make a conscious effort to sleep earlier, eat better, put in more hours of training, and stay focused until race day i.e. March 11th - Brooks Half Marathon. And if that goes well, I'm gonna stay focused and carry on for PJ Dawn in May. And hopefully by then I've gotten myself into the rhythm of things, that I can carry on and improve all my personal bests for the rest of the year! :D

So yeah.

But work is going to almost double up on me in the weeks to come. I cringe when I think of the sort of hours I'm going to be clocking in next time. But it has to be done. If there should be a resolution for this year at all, it would be to get rich. Rich in knowledge, rich in experience, and rich in the pocket too. =) Come on, Karen, ga yau!!!

About a boy.

2012-01-21T23:25:00.002+08:00

This is a post about a boy. He is someone whom I met a while ago, never really kept in touch with, but has recently reentered my life. He is really great.

This is how I describe him to my friends. On my first casual date with him, we hung out for about 5 hours, just talking to each other, with only 1 pint of beer. To be able to talk to someone for that long, without the influence of alcohol, and to go home feeling like I wanted to see this guy again, SOON, I thought that should count for something :)

He has this ability to put me in this happy, silly, daze no matter how tired I was after a long day's work. Spending time with him always feels too short-lived. I guess these are things you usually say about someone you just got together with, but I am saying these in all honesty and sincerity.

I just sent him off at the airport just now, coz he has gone home to visit his family for Chinese New Year. He'll be away for only 6 days, but already I'm starting to miss him. Gosh, I've got it bad, don't I? haha...

Happy new year, guys. :)

2011

2012-01-03T12:04:00.002+08:00

A bit late I know but owell.

I cannot believe it's already 2012. Because a year ago I thought I'd never see the end of my degree, I'd never get out of New Zealand alive, I'd never gonna start work and get paid, and I'd never cease to tell relatives at Chinese New Year that I'm still studying. =\ Well, it wasn't that I thought I'd never see the end of all of that, but it just felt like such a looooooooongggg wiinnnndddingggg road that the end was very vaguely in sight.

But well, look where we are. =) SO! Things I did in 2011:

I learned to pick up the pieces of my broken heart.
I did a flash mob! *woot!*
I met Patrick Teoh and recorded my voice in a recording studio.
I flew back to Auckland with a changed mind set.
I met some interesting people around the world through Couch Surfing.
I rode with one of them on one of those big sporty motorbikes and went up to 200kmh on the highway!
I did Tongariro Crossing for the second time. ♥
I went clubbing in New Zealand for the first time and loved it.
I went clubbing for the second time there and decided I still hate it.
I went out with a soldier boy for a little while.
I went to Fiji! *yeah babyyy!*
I got my girls Lyn and Rosie to travel around NZ with me and laughed our heads off everywhere we went!
I skydived from 12,000 feet!
I graduated and got my second degree. *woot!*
I came back home and started work, for real this time.
I became Teacher Karen.
I earned my first big paycheck!
I had the most number of foreign friend visitors in my life.
I ran free workout sessions for a bunch of friends and (think) I managed to convert some of them into exercisers now!
I did The Legend marathon in Auckland.
I did Cycle Malaysia.
I did Powerman again!
I finally did Penang Bridge marathon and it was horrid.
I got hyperthyroidism again. *boo*
I attended a whole bunch of weddings.
I got myself a new sister-in-law.
I met someone else who makes me laugh. =)

2011 was a pretty good year, looking back at it. I think I achieved a lot, explored a lot, and learned a lot.

Well, here's to an even more awesome 2012!

On love

2011-12-28T00:49:00.004+08:00

In 2009 I created a post with the exact same title, "On Love". It was a birthday dedication to a boy I loved very much at that point in time, and it captured the very essence of my heart. I think that Love which you grow in time as you get to know a person, get to recognize the things which makes you smile, and those which make you hold your breath, as you learn their flaws and turn them into affection, and as you feel the need to be the reason that person is happy, is a truly amazing thing. That, to me, is Love in its purest form, and the kind which takes forever to shut down because you so carefully nurtured it through time.

Marriage, through my simple eyes, is a public announcement of that love. It is like that Facebook update that you were so happy about, you wanted your 1000 plus subscribers to know about it. It is the promise that I have fallen in love with you, and I do not intend to climb back out. To be so sure that nobody else in the world would make you happier than the person next to you, is a big call - and a brave one at that.

Not many people have the opportunity to meet Love this way. And among those who do, not all of them are lucky enough to have their feelings requited. And so I think that those who make it all the way to marriage, and all the way past years and years of marriage to their deathbed, I think they're heroes.

Congrats Kor and Ah Soh! :D

Today my brother married the love of his life. It was something about his smile, the radiance in his face, the spring in his step, and the song in the way he talked, (and this is the big brother who could make me cry by scolding me via online chat), I could tell he was very happy. :)

I want that for myself. (And I've said that to practically everyone). One day. =)

My 2012 wish list

2011-12-25T10:21:00.004+08:00

I've been a little greedy lately ever since I started to see money in more than 3 digits coming into my bank account every month. It's a wonderful feeling having (some) financial freedom! But like always, it is a lot of money but never enough. There is a host of things I really want to get so I've decided instead of making resolutions I shall make a wish list of items I wish to purchase over the period of next year. Here goes:

Hand Blender:

Ever since I stayed with SherMayne in her flat my first semester in New Zealand, I've fallen in love with her hand blender and I think it's the most awesome invention ever. I want one.

Handphone:

My phone is still functional, but it is kinda tiny and it has served me well for 2 years come June next year. So I figured it's time to put aside the old and make room for the new!

Laptop:

I want a new laptop, and it wouldn't hurt if it looked something like this! Haha...but I need a new lappie to replace my 4 year old Dell Inspiron.

Smexy workout gear:

I want some new smexy work out gear for my job! :D

A crib:

And of course, I want my own place.

*edit* I forgot! I want one of this too!

Coz I need to get my game on next year if i want to get myself involved in the sport again.

So, time to make money.

On Work.

2011-12-16T22:09:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I cannot believe how amazingly real my dreams are turning out to be. The satisfaction of seeing the opportunities come calling on me one by one is enough to drive me forward every single day. A handful of years ago, I had a vision that everything would be like this. I had a dream that the industry would swell up in due time, and that studying a course I was interested in would give me a step up in my career. I had a dream that the fitness industry would be various and ever growing. And not all of my childish dreams come true. So the fact that this one is becoming a reality, it's pretty overwhelming.

Here I am, with less than 6 months of being in the industry in my homeland, and already I have been approached by so many people with such various and interesting job offers! And I feel extremely lucky. I think the stars are aligned in the universe for me or I must've done something quite right in the past to be getting such opportunities but whatever the reason, I am very very grateful.

Though, with the abundance of job offers comes a great sense of responsibility to live up to the industry's expectation of me. I have been feeling nervous and anxious lately, simply because I don't know if I am as good as they think I am. My dad says I have self esteem issues, and maybe I do, but I wasn't the top of the class in uni, and so I sometimes feel a little unsure of myself. But make no mistake that I am more than willing to research on the issues at hand, and to learn as much as I can from the veterans of the industry that my good karma has allowed me to meet. I really don't want to mess things up, because I think a good reputation is hard to built, but once I obtain it, I am pretty much "invincible". =)

And that, is the kind of person I plan to be someday.

My brother the Ironman

2011-12-04T21:47:00.001+08:00

My brother is a bit of a superhero. Today he completed his 4th Ironman race in Western Australia in under 10 hours 30 minutes. That is AWESOME! He put in hours and hours of training with undying discipline and enthusiasm and he achieved a goal he had set sight on months ago. Bravo, Kor! =)

In my family, sport and exercise is a huge thing. We're all active people with athletic inclinations. To a lot of people on the outside, it's pretty amazing. And I think it is too. My family is so supportive of one another in the things we love to do. My dad was on his laptop all day just keeping up with my brother's progress. It just reminds me again and again why I never want to be too far away from home. =)

Running related.

2011-11-28T17:09:00.001+08:00

Running is a huge part of my life. I centre a lot of things around running. Like why I keep my hair long, so that I can tie it up in a tight ponytail to run. Or why I love buying socks and I only choose those that are light and not too loose, so I can use them for running. Or why I try not to make any plans on Sundays, because I'm usually running on that day. Or why I eat a lot of bananas and I'm never afraid of carbs, because in my job I am always running. Most of everything I do is running related. That's why when my running performance is affected by something, I get pretty upset.

The last time I felt a little different in my run was about 5 years ago. It came as suddenly as a thunderstorm, without much warning, affecting my run very distinctly. All of a sudden, I was unable to run any more. When I told that to my friends, they couldn't understand me. What do you mean, you can't run any more? I said I just couldn't! I would start my run at a leisurely jogging pace and then within 15 minutes I'd be panting as if I had finished 20 clicks. It was bizarre! When I told that to my family, being the sportsmen they are, they told me I wasn't putting in enough training. They said, I can't keep improving without training. Sooner or later I'll start going downhill and I'd have to up my training to keep up. So I trained more and more and every time I tried the same thing would happen, I'd run out of breath within 10 minutes. It brought me to tears wondering what was going on. Then I saw a doctor who made me take a blood test. I found out from the test results that I had hyperthyroidism. I was put on medication and it was horrible. I gained weight, I looked like a balloon, I had hives and itched everywhere as a side effect of that medication, and I felt miserable. The medication course took 6 months and I was ok again after that. My running went back to normal and I was smashing personal best times again. =)

Fast forward to today. The past few races I have taken part in have been miserable. I am constantly tired these days and I have been told by many that I seem to be losing a lot of weight. I like the weight loss bit, but I really don't like all these "cannot run any more" business. So after a depressing Penang Bridge marathon, I went to take the same blood test again. The doc also mentioned I have been losing weight, so he said it has most likely recurred. Today I took the test results and I was right. I am once again hyperthyroidic - if there's such a word.

I've been given a 6 month course of medication again. I am probably going to be quite miserable again, but hey, I am looking forward to the time I can run again. And I'll be smashing my PBs again, just you wait and see.

Pro Singles

2011-11-21T22:28:00.001+08:00

I've been single for over a year now, and I, very often, get invited out to 'Girls Night Outs'. I think it's cool that my single girlfriends take the initiative to hold these occasions and have very positive mindsets on singlehood and whatnot. But as much as I appreciate their gestures, I can't help but find them a little "pro single". They glorify being single as if it's the best lifestyle in the world. They say they are free to travel, to go out and flirt guilt-free, to meet people and have them buy drinks for them, and just have a whole lot of fun without the need to owe any explanation to anyone. I admire their strength and courage, but I am definitely not one of them. Another friend of mine told me that if I really want to get over my ex for good, then have a rebound one. I think the thought of that already has my moral consciousness screaming bloody murder.

I am strong enough to live independently without a partner. But having a partner doesn't make you weak or dependent or restrained. I dream of having the kind of partner that will travel with me to exotic places. I dream of having the kind of partner whose hobbies and interest compliment my own and we'll have many shared moments together, thus there'll be no need to report to him because more often than not he'll be by my side. And I dream of having the kind of partner who makes me so happy I will not see the need to flirt with random strangers and fish for compliments. I don't really go out at night anyway apart from hanging out at bubble tea places with my bestie. So I don't think I need to worry about accidentally flirting with anyone and feeling guilty about it if I am in a relationship.

Being in a committed relationship, to me, is amazing. Having that one person who'll always be by your side, who always get you, who knows what to say or do to lift you up, on whom you can count on...that to me are life's best moments. Maybe I am a sappy romantic, but I really really want all of that, not some stupid unmemorable fling that'll only leave me feeling more guilty.

Chocolate ice cream

2011-11-03T22:13:00.001+08:00

Today I realised when I find myself caught in the perils of self pity and loneliness, a nice big bowl of chocolate ice cream and chocolate sauce can do wonders.

Look forward, Karen. You need to stop holding on to the past, it's not coming back.

Running a half marathon isn't quite like ABC anymore.

2011-10-31T15:05:00.001+08:00

I ran the PJ Half marathon yesterday morning, and I did it in 2 hours 5 minutes. That is about 10 minutes or more slower than my best half marathon time. So I've finally accepted that I am no longer that good a runner. No more excuses, no more "I didn't eat well the night before" bull sh*t. I'm just going to admit it. As a long distance runner of more than a decade of experience, I now kinda suck. Maybe at age 25, after running for 12 years, I've gone past the peak, and am now in the downhill phase. Stink.

The weather was extremely hot though, and even though I thought I could handle that sort of heat pretty well, I think my 3 years in Auckland has made me a bit less tolerant of the tropical rainforest climate, especially during physical exertion. Or maybe that's just another excuse. hahaha...I ran probably the first 12km with relative ease, and then the heat just got the better of me, so I kinda ran-walked the remaining 9kms - the walking became more frequent towards the last few kms. I was feeling extremely warm, and I was drying up like a prune. Even 12 hours post race, my face was still radiating heat. That was how baked I got.

But whatever I lacked in drive yesterday, I made up in style :D I ran the half marathon with my devil horns like I did last year in Auckland, because it's Halloween. And because I'm in typical Malaysia, I was the only person to dress up, and thus, got plenty of attention...which is always kinda nice, even if it is not for the reasons I hoped for. I even got my face in today's The Star! So not too bad la, I was quite happy about the race despite it being one of my worst times ever.

Hopefully I'll do a bit better for Powerman and Penang Bridge. =)

Anaerobic or aerobic power?

2011-10-26T23:53:00.003+08:00

When I was a little kid in primary school, I never liked running. I never wanted to follow my mum and dad to the Subang lake to go jogging because I was afraid it was a place only for pros and I was conscious that people might laugh at me. I was always an active kid, but I took part in telematch sports more like running in the gunny sack, or 3 legged race. I was queen of the monkey bars in the playground, and I've always loved hula hoops. In Standard 4 (Age 10), I became a rhythmic gymnast after my mum saw the bigger girls dancing with pretty leotards in school. And when I first started, I was pretty good at it. =) Then as the choreographed routines got more complex and harder to remember, I didn't do so well any more...haha...but I still loved it. I still think rhythmic gymnastics is the most beautiful sport.

At age 13 I took part in a jogathon. It was 7 km and I had signed up with a bunch of my friends for fun. I came home with a prize. That was the beginning of my long distance running career. I guess I had the right genes for it because I never took it seriously enough to train hard for it, but I always manage to clinch some sort of prize. Also not many girls my age took part in runs so I had a very good chance. And as I grew older, the more I ran the better I got. From my running, I went into triathlons, and duathlons, and marathons. So that was cool. =) By the time I was in uni, I have already been in the long distance running scene for about a decade.

So aerobic power has been my forte for the past >10 years. No matter what happened in my life, I always had my cardio endurance. And then Work happened. Boot camp is all about sprints, drills, grunts. High intensity interval training with minimal rest periods in between. Training people who are less fit than me, I run at a much slower pace. And long working hours meant I am more often than not too lazy to train. To make sure I still work up a sweat every now and then, I resort to short 30 minute work outs at home, which, you can probably guess, consists of more high intensity interval training. SOOO...as proven by my dismal performance this morning (4.8 km run in 31 minutes), I think I am slowly turning from an aerobic to an anaerobic athlete! Now I understand why a lot of my fellow marathoners have now turned into Crossfitters and what not. Endurance training just takes too much effort sometimes. haha...

It's not a bad thing to be. Anaerobic power is an amazing trait, but I think I'm more comfortable being an endurance runner. So, I hope I don't lose it. I keep telling myself I need to train up, but I know it's gonna take a great deal of will power to get my game into high gear and start clocking in those miles. Oh, let there be faith!

Am I good enough?

2011-10-19T23:37:00.000+08:00

So I've been writing quite a bit on work and work related stuff. It's been great, I couldn't have imagined it any better! Malaysians are more open to the health and fitness industry than we think. It's changing out there, more and more Malaysians are more aware and more educated about the importance of keeping a healthy lifestyle. Which is why I still think I am very blessed to come into the fitness world right when it's starting to bloom. I couldn't have picked a better time, and it's working out really well for me. And I have an amazing network of support, where my family and friends believe in me. And the people I've been lucky to work with? They have faith in me too. And the people I train, the people who train with me...they all believe in me, and pass on good words about me to other people so that people who are looking for trainers have this very good impression of me. Now the question is, do I believe in myself?

I feel greatly honoured when people approach me and ask me if I'd like to work for them. I really do. Especially when these people are fitness gurus themselves! I have very high regard for these people, and here they are asking me if I would like to work with them. I feel the excitement bubbling inside of me. It's just so surreal! But amidst the thrill and everything, I suddenly wondered, am I good enough?

Am I as good as they think I am? Will I fall short of their expectations? Do I really have what it takes to step up to the plate and be the person they think I am? I am surrounded by people with years of experience on their backs and a fierce passion for what they do, people who went through the whole food chain of the fitness industry, and rose at the top through sheer determination and hard work. Am I good enough to ever be anything like them?

I've only been working for less than 3 months, and already I feel like people have expectations of me. And I have expectations of myself. And I really want to be more than these expectations...I want to be the best person I can be, but what if I underachieve? What if I'm not good enough?

What am I?

2011-10-12T23:01:00.001+08:00

It's been amazing what I've been doing so far, job wise. I couldn't have pictured a better way to transition into working life than how I'm doing now. And it only gets better and better, because today, I received yet another phone call from a Personal Trainer cum fitness studio owner who wants to talk business with me.

I have to say, I'm loving the attention. All those sweat and tears to get my degree is really paying off because Malaysia, or Klang Valley at least, seem to be quite taken by my qualification. Hehe...so, quite bangga lah. Education not wasted!

But because I juggle so many different jobs, I have a slightly harder time explaining what I do when people ask me what I do. I always start with "I'm a trainer." And they go "As in...fitness? Motivational?". And then I go "Hahaha, I'm a personal trainer." And they go "I can see that". (Good. At least I look the part. Haha, always feel like I need to do a whole lot more conditioning work to look fit enough to be a trainer.) And then I go on to explain the different things I dabble in and how my working hours vary from a day to day basis, and how I sometimes end up working 7 days a week, though for short periods only. For now it's still kinda fun elaborating because it gives me the opportunity to market myself and tell people who I really am, but I think after a while it'll stop being fun and start being annoying...haha...

So what am I? I'm a personal trainer/fitness instructor/phys ed teacher and self declared fitness missionary to my family and friends. I hope to inspire and motivate the people around me to get off their butts and lead a healthy lifestyle. I hope to impact lives and initiate change. I hope to create a fitter, healthier community. So, who's with me? :)

Statement pictures.

2011-10-05T22:30:00.002+08:00

Lately there has been a sudden influx of all these little statement pictures on Facebook. Like this one:

or this one:

or this one:

Honestly, I think they're kinda cool. Except for the fact that it's turning into a fad now. That makes it kinda not cool any more.

The thing is, the only quotes I can repost on my wall are the ones about running, and motivation, and inspiration to get off the couch and start training. Because I'm too self conscious to post something about love and relationships. If I post a bitter one about exes and break ups, then I sound, well, bitter. If I post something about finding the right one and joy and happiness, well, that's just denial. Or wishful thinking.

Truth is, the photo I really want to post is this:

I miss the joy, the happiness, the out of this world sensation you get when you are together with someone. I miss having a default person to call out for movies, for drinks, for holidays. I miss having a someone. And being someone's someone. Being single is only fun if you're the kind of person who rocks at being single. Me, I don't rock it that well. I have no intention to flirt, to date casuals, to figure out if I can date alternative types. I don't really want to. If I were 16, hell yeah. But I don't really want to right now. Right now, all I really want is to go home after a long tiring day, to talk on the phone with that special person while lying on the bed, making plans for the holidays or the weekend. I want to look forward to weekends like I used to. Nowadays the only thing I look forward to during weekends is 8 am sleep ins and Sunday morning boot camp with my mates.

That day better come.

The Legend Marathon

2011-09-18T19:39:00.001+08:00

I signed up for this race sometime in June. It had showed up in my email and when I saw that the date was close to graduation, I was more than pleased. I felt like I needed to make my trip back to NZ a bit more worth while so I signed up for it without much hesitation. The next day I boasted about it to my colleagues and friends and I remember my boss, the owner of Configure, saying to me, "Oh that one's a toughie. You need to add about 30-45 minutes to your best marathon time to that one. It's quite mean!" Oh, darn. And then my girlfriend Ingrid said her boyfriend did it and had to add about 35 minutes to his best time, and he's a pretty awesome marathoner. So, that would mean I'd have to add more than that because I'm not that strong a runner as he is. A quick search on Google and I found out that the Kiwis rate this to be the toughest on-road marathon in NZ. To be completely honest, that got me more keen. :D

Time really sped by and before I knew it, I was on the plane back to Auckland again. I touched down Friday morning. Had not had much sleep on the flight, which turned out to be a good thing because by 9.30 pm Auckland time, which was 5.30 pm KL time, I was more than ready to go to bed.

I got up at 4.45 am on Saturday morning. Heather picked me up at 5.15 am, and we got to the race venue before 6 am. 6.30 am was start time. It was freeeeeeeezingggg cold, so I decided to run with my yellow jumper on. I knew I'd regret it later on because I'd have to take it out and then it'd be a liability, but I couldn't stand the cold.

I started alright, running alongside Heather. I had my brother's iPod in my ears because I carelessly lost mine (again!). I also had my mobile phone with me to put RunKeeper on. About 10 minutes into the race, it started to drizzle, and then it started to pour. (it rained 4 times throughout this darn race!). My jumper got really soaked and heavy so I took it off about 8ks into the race. Cold, wet, and coughing, I had trouble keeping up with Heather, so after about 12ks of struggling to keep up the pace, I told her to go ahead. Took the pressure of me. haha...It wasn't until about 16ks into the race did the incline start to increase exponentially! That was when we started slowly (well, me anyway) tracking up to the Waitakere Ranges. It was insane! About 6 kms of possibly 30-40% gradient. Gosh. But I was loving it. I cursed the hills, but I was loving the fact that it lived up to its name. I kept thinking to myself, if i completed this I'd have the honour of saying I have done 8 marathons, and I just did NZ's toughest on road race. Hooyah! :D That was my motivation to keep going. I slowed to walk some of the uphills, but generally I kept on going whenever I see the road plateau. I knew a 4:30 time was going to be impossible, so I said as long as it was under 5 hours I'd be pretty happy with myself. I did just fly 10 hours the day before, and was sick for the most of last 2 weeks.

Long story short, I took in the fresh cold air and amazing scenery and came in in a time of 4 hours 48 minutes. I was happy. =)

8 marathons done! Now for Penang Bridge Marathon. hehe...

Salomon X Run 2011

2011-09-11T16:41:00.002+08:00

It's been a while since I posted up a race report. I think I've kinda lost the interest in posting lengthy written reports since a single line of expression coupled with a post on my race route, pace and time on Facebook seems to get way more attention. It's a tech savvy world out there. =)

But I have mixed feelings about this morning's race. I went this morning not feeling too confident to begin with because I have not been training in the past 2 weeks. It is part because I was sick and part because I was just a lazy bum, still struggling with full time working hours and so on. Also, last night's dinner was BBQed lamb chops, cheese sausages and fried mee hoon. hmm, probably not the best pre race diet because i had a bit of indigestion this morning.

But no matter how many times I tell myself to just take it easy, stay calm, run your own race, this is an easy run, just go and have fun, and God knows what other self talk I do to ensure I take my competitiveness out of the equation, it always resurfaces the moment I see all the familiar faces at the start venue. All the self talk just dives out the door when I see the regular runners lined up at the start line, rearing to go. I wish, with all my heart, that I am able to pull off one of my fluke shots. (Must not have been flukes since I succeeded very frequently in the past). heh.

So anyway. Gun start. Off all the powerful women go, leading the pack. It took a lot of will power to refrain from keeping up this time, because I know I'm not 100%. I took a slower steady pace, so I can run the whole distance without stopping to walk. But it was useless. I stopped to walk halfway through a steep hill about 4 kms in. I was puffing like mad, my heart was pounding against my rib cage and I wondered whether my hyperthyroidism was back. Because I have never reached max heart rate doing a silly 10k run before. My tummy was bloated and uncomfortable. I picked up running again after the hill, but breathing was very hard.

I stopped another 2 more times after that. It was pathetic. I was going into self loathing at that time, and half my reserve energy was now used to refrain from tearing up. :( I know it's silly because I'm obviously not a 100% and a lesser performance should be expected but...sigh...it used to be a lot easier to bounce back when I was younger.

I think it's a social thing. I am very sad to see that my reputation as a young, fast female runner is now overshadowed by other younger, faster, prettier women out there. boo. So stupid, right, to think this way? I know. But it is still disappointing. Plus, with being a fitness trainer at Rebel and a Personal Trainer to others, I really wanted to be an inspiration to everyone. What inspiration can I be when I am overtaken by so many other less experienced runners.

I need to grow up. But it's so hard!! *pout*

[edit] Though I have to say the route this morning was gorgeous! It really reminded me of running in NZ with all the cows and horses and piles of poo along the track. haha..=)

People are interesting.

2011-09-02T23:37:00.002+08:00

They never cease to amaze me.

I went out for yumcha with Weng and an old schoolmate, Seng Chee, this afternoon. I haven't seen Seng Chee in quite a while, and that catch up was the randomest meeting which started off as a simple Facebook comment.

Anyway. He was pretty much the same person he was back in high school, although I never really hung out with him much back then. We were doing the usual "Hey, how's it going? So what are you doing right now? Working? Oh, for who?" and that sorta stuff. And then we started talking about relationships. (And the lack thereof). And, I don't know, I just never thought he was such a deep, philosophical person. And he said a lot of things which made sense today. Of course, he said a lot of things which I already knew as well, from experience. Haha, I sometimes feel I should write a book on how to screw up a long distance relationship. heh. And just like that, I left that mamak with a somewhat different impression of Seng Chee. He's interesting.

And just earlier today, I was feeling somewhat restless so I decided to head to Pyramid to do some shopping. I figured I didn't have much free time left from now till I fly off to Auckland, so I'd better start buying those things for my friends. One of the items I was supposed to carry with me to Auckland were wedding magazines for a friend who just got engaged recently. I even played a tiny tiny role in the planning of the proposal. True story. So I found a couple of nice ones at Popular, and proceeded to pay at the counter. And the girl at the counter gave me a wide grin, to which I smiled as politely as I could in return and said "These aren't for me". Her face almost immediately reddened and I felt bad so I wished her Selamat Hari Raya, quickly paid and went away.

I don't blame her. If I saw a young woman holding a bridal magazine I'd smile myself giddy as well. It's nice to see a girl at that time. It's probably one of the happiest moments of a girl's life - getting married. I would think so anyway.

I think, that my parents are probably trying to guess whether I'm dating anyone at the moment. Everytime I mention a friend's name that I'm going to meet, they probably mentally cross reference it in their heads with the last time i mentioned that same friend's name and make a mental note on how frequently I go out with him. I wish I could tell them I am dating someone. But, well, I just haven't met him yet. =)

I need to do something out of the ordinary. I need to meet new people, partake in new activities, reach out of my comfort zone. I need a new breath of fresh air. Maybe then I'll meet someone cool enough to be my man. =)

Family.

2011-08-29T22:14:00.002+08:00

I can tell that I've been a lot more attached to my family since coming back home. I go almost everywhere with mum and dad, even if it was just to go and pick Keith up from tuition down the block. I guess I really appreciate how close I am to them, and how I can just chat their ears off till the cows come home! haha...I don't know if they still enjoy my company, though. Maybe I'm starting to be a bit of a third wheel already. heh.

But since most of my friends are busy with work, chilling out with them is getting much less frequent unless I take the initiative to start calling everyone (which is a feat on its own), so after I've tried a couple of times, I've kinda given up. :p

I've been extremely slack with training for my legendary The Legend marathon. sei la. I think it's going to take me 5 hours. I just wake up at 5 every flippin' morning! And try as I might I can never get myself into be before 11 pm. I don't know why! Just got so much to do every night, and when I'm on my notebook I spend quite a bit of time getting my social networking fix. haha...so I end up using every free time I have taking naps here and there, or eating food to curb my ever growing hunger! I am turning into a glutton, ironically!

Like my brother says, I'll just have to wing it. But now I have bigger concerns than trying to safe my face from losing to a 57 year old grandma. I've just done something to my back, which *fingers crossed* isn't a sprain, or a hernia, or a slip disk. It has been hurting for 2 days now, if it still hurts tomorrow morning I think we can rule out DOMs and maybe consider an x ray scan.

3 weeks!

2011-08-21T16:41:00.002+08:00

I've been working for 3 weeks now. I wouldn't say it's full time yet, but gosh I am so so so exhausted by the end of every week! I don't even work a full day every day, but the days I do, I come home with aching feet and without an ounce of energy left in me.

Right now I cannot wait till I get my first pay cheque. :D Kinda wish my pay comes every fortnight like in New Zealand, but it's ok. Big lump sum at the end of the month is definitely something worth looking forward to! To be honest I can't wait to give my parents money. Haha...it's just been one of those things I've been wanting to do since I finished my first degree, but was never able to. And when I was studying in Auckland, and my friends have been earning monthly salaries back home, I wanted to graduate more than ever!

On a different note, a lot has been happening in my circle of friends. People getting engaged and married and all that. It's all very surprising and exciting and I'm very happy to see that my friends are doing well in life. Love and happiness to me is one of the biggest success a person can achieve, and I am glad my friends have found them with amazing people. But to say I am not jealous would be a lie. I wish that for myself more than ever now that I am done studying, and embarking on my career.

I have so much happening for me right now. Things are working out better than I expected and it's been exhilarating being in charge of my own life, and watching it pan out the way I had hoped. But I'd really like to be able to share this excitement with someone. My family and friends are great, I've been entertaining them with stories of my mischievous kids at school and what not. And they're supportive and motivating. But yeah. Would be nice if I could share it with someone special. Haha...for once I don't want to be the one who's still studying, who has assignments and exams to go home to, who doesn't have enough money to foot the bill! haha...

Owells. Hope for the best? :)

Ectrodactyly

2011-08-10T00:35:00.002+08:00

Ectrodactyly, sometimes referred to as the “Lobster-Claw Syndrome”involves the deficiency or absence of one or more central digits of the hand or foot and is also known as split hand/split foot malformation (SHFM).The hands and feet of people with ectrodactyly are often described as "claw-like" and may include only the thumb and one finger (usually either the little finger, ring finger, or a syndactyly of the two) with similar abnormalities of the feet.

Source: Wikipedia

If you had ectrodactyly, what would you do? If you met someone with ectrodactyly, how would you treat that person?

We all try to be socially correct when our paths cross that of special individuals who are a little different. We perk up, try to look past their differences, pretend we don't see anything, and act extra cheerful around them. Or if we don't do so well at that, we try to avoid them altogether. We all do that. It's probably human nature. It is extremely difficult to treat them normally without trying too hard.

A young girl in my class has Ectrodactyly syndrome. And I, as a Physical Education teacher, find it very challenging to be as fair as I can to everyone, without patronizing her, or pushing her too hard. But she makes it very easy for me. Simply because she sees herself as no different than everyone else. She asks for no modification to the exercises I give out, she attempts everything with full enthusiasm, and she's such a happy camper all the time, I will never forget she's a teenager, just like everyone else in her class, enjoying probably the awesomest period of school (I presume...hehe). Every time I see her, I am moved by her spirit.

Being a PE teacher in the past week has taught me patience, perseverance, creativity, and most of all, humility. Just chatting with these kids, being their friend, gaining their trust and friendship, you realise you are being schooled every day. In that class, there is no lesser individual, every one learns from every one. =)

Hello, work!

2011-08-07T22:34:00.002+08:00

Everyone says, enjoy student life! You'll never get it back when you start working. They all say, once you start work, you don't get so much freedom, you don't get to play that much.

What everyone didn't believe me was when I said, work was going to be so much fun. I was right.

I started work this week, and it has been amazing! I do admit being committed to work for such long hours does kinda drain my energy, but apart from that work is so much fun! I'm still a little conscious about myself, being a new kid on the block in the whole PT thing, but I think I'm slowly gaining confidence. I am, after all, a Sport and Exercise Science degree holder. I am possibly more qualified than half the trainers in this country, if not more. =) *Just psyching myself up, don't mean to sound pompous*

On another note, I've been pretty moody lately, and I don't know whether it's just my hormones at work, or it's just being back here again, and facing all the memories once more. I function fine when I'm kept busy, but like always, the night gets to me. Also, I've been having dreams lately, and they leave me a little...disturbed...when I wake up. It's a bit unsettling. But it doesn't stay long, because once the day's activities pick up, I'm a happy camper again, which is good. But yeah, gotta do something about the nights and the dreams. heh. And the fear that I'm going to die alone. HAHA. No really...

Sara Bareilles sings for me, I swear.

2011-08-05T23:37:00.001+08:00

Car is parked, bags are packed, but what kind of heart doesn't look back
At the comfortable glow from the porch, the one I will still call yours?
All those words came undone and now I'm not the only one
Facing the ghosts that decide if the fire inside still burns

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again

Open up next to you and my secrets become your truth
And the distance between that was sheltering me comes in full view
Hang my head, break my heart built from all I have torn apart
And my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again

It hurts to be here
I only wanted love from you
It hurts to be here
What am I gonna do?

All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching
All I have, all I need, he's the air I would kill to breathe
Holds my love in his hands, still I'm searching for something
Out of breath, I am left hoping someday I'll breathe again
I'll breathe again

Fear.

2011-08-01T22:14:00.003+08:00

We all have fears. Big stuff, small stuff, critical phobias and not so critical phobias. It is what makes us human, the whole not being perfect thing.

I fear lizards. Yes, the common house lizard which roams around my house in the dark and scurries away when I tun the lights on. *urgh*. Scares the living daylight out of me.

I also fear fish. HA! Betcha didn't see that one coming, huh? Yes. If I can scale rock faces, bungy jump, sky dive, run marathons, but ever wondered why I have not taken a diving certificate? I can't stand being in the water with fish surrounding me. That whole fish spa thing that's good for hard skin on your feet? Hate it. Couldn't last 10 seconds in it. I think it stems from my very amateur swimming ability. Because if something horribly wrong were to happen, I am not a strong enough swimmer to swim away from it - yes even little anchovies might turn out to be carnivorous creatures ok? In fact, they probably are.

Apart from that, I also fear not being good enough. I know I take on a chillax attitude most of the time, but when it comes to being judged by somebody very important to me, I almost always fear that I am not good enough for him. I think it's a rather crippling bad point of me which I have come to discover of myself in my previous relationships. Be with someone long enough, and I start to change to suit his wants, his preference, his idea of a cool, amazing person. It's not very healthy, I know. And I'm hoping to attribute some of it to the fact that my past relationships were kinda dysfunctional anyway. But yeah. I KNOW that this is a big flaw in me and I am going to try to prevent this from happening in my future relationship.

On a different note. Don't you just hate ex girlfriends/boyfriends? As in, not yours, but, well, the ex of your current partner/interest. I think no mater how grown up you are, all's fair in love and war. Only in extremely rare (and weird) situations would you end up being buddies with their ex. Most of the time, the sight of their name just kinda makes your skin crawl doesn't it? And everything they say or do just seems like they're out to get to you. *GROWL*.

To one such person in my life right now, I'd just like to say, even though you probably will never read this, (Actually then again, it wouldn't be completely impossible if you did), it's not a competition. I am no longer in the game. So you can drop the whole outsmarting me act and go get him if you want. Just on geographical proximity alone, you win. You probably already won all along.

2011-07-21T00:29:00.002+08:00

I get out of bed, and I check the time
Adding 4 hours when I used to subtract
Wondering what you're up to today
Before I realise, and I retract

Lunch time and I sit and ponder
What to have and who to call out
I smile as I think of you and fish burgers
Then I realise that's not what today's about

Mid day passes, and evening comes
And I thought I'd done pretty well on my own
Then a little beep, and your message comes through
Out the window my façade is thrown

It still is nice to hear from you
No matter how brief or casual it is
I still look forward to words from you
Words I really am not supposed to miss

I hope in time, this yearning will fade
And so will the emotions that lie within me
I hope the distance will run its course
Burying my thoughts deep where they will sit silently

It's happening right now.

2011-07-20T00:31:00.002+08:00

Today I landed my first PT client. I've been dreaming of this day for the past 3 years, and let me tell you, it feels pretty damn amazing. It's just one (potentially 2, because she referred me to a friend), but it's all coming true for me. My hopes, my dreams, the moments I envision in my head those cold, lonely nights in Auckland - it's all happening right now.

I may just be getting started, but to all you non believers out there, I just checked into Reality and so far it's awesome. =)

Malaysia Part II

2011-07-14T22:23:00.002+08:00

Being home has been GREAT. It's great having Mummy's home cooked food, and listening to Daddy's dinner table stories and I'm surprised (once again) at how much my brother, Keith has grown both physically and in personality.

I've been meeting up with my friends one by one, I love knowing that I am starting full time work soon, so it means steady income coming in very soon. ;) It's been great seeing all of them again, and catching up with each other's lives, and finally feeling like my own life can now get under way, rather than be put on hold while I finish my studies.

And, of course, one of the awesomest things about being back at home, gastronomy haven aside, is the hi speed unlimited broadband, which means I get to follow all my favourite TV series again! I've been going on a Gleeathon and I am BLOWN away! *Heart* Glee!! ♥

One episode in particular, was talking about acceptance. How we should accept our imperfections and wear it on our chests with pride.

This touched me a lot, especially with what has been going on in my country. The Bersih rally that was held on July 9th, the night I flew back here, is still splashed across news feeds everywhere. A lot of touching stories have surfaced from different angles, contributed by people who were either at the demonstration itself, or was married to one of them, or was barred from going to the rally...the stories make me want even more to be back home here.

I love Malaysia. I will always be proud to be Malaysian. People still ask me, "Why don't you get yourself a permanent residency in New Zealand? Such a waste, you already study there for 3 years, stay a little longer and you can get your PR already." I don't quite understand why.

I don't understand why we as children of Malaysia are asked to run away to a foreign country. Why complain about life in Malaysia, and then escape and never return? Why not do something about it? A lot of us are blessed to be given the opportunity to study abroad, why not bring what we learn back home to Malaysia to better our own home country? The country we grew up in, where we were shaped and moulded?

"But you study Sport Science! How to survive in Malaysia? No market for you la, stay in NZ better!". Wrong. I studied Sport Science to help better peoples' lives. And it would be plain silly if I run along and helped foreigners in a land where the industry is already well developed, while I can easily do the same for my fellow Malaysians who are in greater need of such knowledge than the white men.

Same reason why we cheer for Harimau Malaya (Malayan Tigers), our national football team, when they go against world renown Arsenal, even though our players are no match for them. The world of sport is highly patriotic. People will cheer for their own home teams no matter what the odds. It feels good cheering for something you belong to.

I don't know if the Glee episode is really related, but it touched me and it made me think of how we shouldn't be ashamed of the imperfections of Malaysia. We should be proud of it, and we should want to better it. Home is where the heart is. My heart belongs to Malaysia. =)

Malaysia.

2011-07-11T14:48:00.001+08:00

SO! My last post was more than 3 weeks ago. Hello! I'm back.

So much has happened in the last few weeks, I don't really know where to start! I don't even think I want to. Heh. Let me try to summarize. I basically started travelling the day after I finished my exams (a.k.a. the day I finished my degree, hehe). I was off to Fiji for 7 days, which was pretty awesome, despite the rain and winds that came from the 3rd to the 7th day. And then a day after I got back from Fiji, Lyn and Rosie came to visit and away we went down to Rotorua, then up to Northland. And then they left, and I had less than 48 hours to pack up my 3 years in Auckland into 25 kgs of checkked in baggage and 10 kgs of carry on PLUS throw a farewell party before I then spent about 15 hours journeying back to Kuala Lumpur on the 9th of July - the day Malaysia will remember as Bersih 2.0.

So now I'm here in my much missed bedroom in Subang Jaya. I have just checked my results online this morning and found that I have PASSED MEDSCI 205 which is GREAT! I was a very happy girl when I saw that. I have also started to unpack my baggages, which turned out to be almost as mind boggling as packing seeing that I have no space in my cupboard for a lot of things. I eventually gave up halfway and decided that perhaps I should just live out of a suitcase. =) I also sorted out my mobile phone woes, and my internet banking and bought some antibiotic cream for my now pus dribbling battle scars on my heels. yes they look as gross as they sound.

I am exhausted. From the travelling, from the laughter and the fun I've been having.
I am gaining weight. From all the food I've been eating sans the exercise because I haven't been able to find time to do so and then my injuries now hold me back.
I am relieved. To be rid of exams, assignments, textbooks, journal articles, studying and stress.
I am comfortable. To be among family and best friends again, and the same awesome food I grew up with.
I am saddened. By the end of something that was potentially something pretty good.

Yup. In the past 4 months of my life in Auckland, I have managed to gain and lose love. I had met someone amazing, someone who I'd love to be with, but was never meant to be in love with. It saddens me that I had to bid him farewell, and that our chapter had to end. It saddens me that I am now back to zero again - to begin my search once again for someone to fit into my wonderful life, to have and to hold for many years to come. But life is a never ending journey, and love should not be the only thing I search for. =)

The world is my oyster now. I can do whatever I want right now with my life. That feels surreal. =)

meh.

2011-06-16T20:13:00.002+08:00

I'm about 4 days to finishing my degree, 5 days to flying to Fiji, 12 days to Lyn and Rosie coming here, and 22 days to flying home. I should be extremely excited, which I kinda am. I guess. If I were to rank my events in terms of excitement factor, they'd be, from best to worst:

Finishing my degree
Fiji
Lyn and Rosie coming
Home

Not because they come in that chronological order, but because going home now seems a bit disheartening. I know, ironic isn't it? How I had wanted to go home so badly for so long? Haha..

It's been 6 days since I last saw him, but who's counting. ikindamisshim. Another 11 days to go before I see him again. The text messages make it all better though. =) Still...this is not looking good. What about next month? Hm. Meh.

heart.

2011-06-14T20:50:00.002+08:00

On my player, John Mayer plays Half of My Heart.

On my bookmark, a poem entitled Trust Your Heart.

Chris Brown sings "There're hearts all over the world tonight".

And on Google reader, my friend blogs about heart ache and heart break.

My heart is anxious.

At least I've got about 25 days to prepare myself for it this time.

Half of my ♥

2011-06-13T04:52:00.002+08:00

On being the world to somebody

2011-06-12T15:26:00.002+08:00

I want to be the world to somebody.

I want to be the reason he laughs, the reason he has a good day, the reason time fly by, the reason he has that song on loop, the reason he buys new clothes, the reason he trains harder, the reason he looks forward to the weekend, the reason he tweets, the reason he cries, the reason he's hungry, the reason he wants to go there, the reason he wants to be there, the reason he wants to come home, the reason he smiles in the morning, the reason he sleeps well at night, the reason he gets no sleep at night, the reason he loses weight, the reason he buys breath mints, the reason he does charity, the reason he gains weight, the reason he runs, the reason he sacrifices, the reason he gets nervous, the reason he feels so at ease, the reason he sings, the reason he likes chocolate, the reason he buys chocolate, the reason he loves.

I want to be that person to somebody. :)

what next

2011-06-05T19:49:00.002+08:00

My flatmate, E, got rejected when she applied to extend her 1 year working holiday visa here in New Zealand. So for the past couple of weeks she has been laying out her options on what to do next. She does not want to go back to France yet, she still wants to travel. She just came into my room to tell me that a working holiday visa in Australia costs NZ$365 to apply, which she thinks is too much. What was she to do?? I wish I had some ideas for her.

But as I get caught up in all the drama as well, it is pretty exciting that my own life is about to transition into another chapter very soon. I have been waiting for this moment for too long, and it is now only weeks away. I have a thought out plan, which is pretty cool. But at the same time, something at the back of my mind asks what if I didn't have a plan? What if I was free to do whatever I want, go wherever I want and return whenever I want? Because technically, I could take off to, say, Lituania, and apply for a waitressing position in some tiny little cafe and just check things out. Technically, nothing's stopping me.

Just the idea that I have options, I can decide what I want to do with the rest of my life, and that is all happening very soon, makes me tingle with excitement.

BUT until then, I still have 4 exam papers to study for and pass. 16 more days, Karen. Just hang in there.

18 days

2011-06-03T20:24:00.002+08:00

At 1700 hours today, I walked out of hopefully the last ever academic lecture of my undergraduate life. Strangely enough, it didn't feel quite so relieving, rather, it felt pretty daunting. Medsci 205 final exam is just around the corner, 10 days from now to be exact. Somehow, it seems to want to take priority over everything in my life. It is what I am most worried about, what I cannot shake from the corner of my mind every waking second of my day. It is such a fear, yet I haven't quite found a way to harness that fear and turn it into something constructive. Rather I feel like avoiding it altogether even more. Maybe that's how I have been coping with my life all this while, I avoid my fears. Not good.

Anyway, in 18 days I will hopefully be free. Wish me luck! :D

Burnt out.

2011-05-29T06:25:00.003+08:00

burn·out/ˈbərnˌout/Noun

1. The reduction of a fuel or substance to nothing through use or combustion.

2. Physical or mental collapse caused by overwork or stress.

I. cannot. study. any. more.

Have you ever felt such disdain for something that you'd wish you can shove everything about that something into the "insinkerator" and laugh with elation as the clinking and clanking sound of your relief fills the air?

How on earth did I come from begging to do this degree to this point?

I think it's the knowledge that there are other aspects to life other than education. How I wish I can go back to primary school, where getting A's is all I have to do and all I have to know how to do to make mum, dad and little Karen all very happy. How I wish I never learned of Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg or successful people who make it big without graduating.

meh.

Be humble

2011-05-26T17:41:00.002+08:00

One of the things my parents placed a lot of emphasis on as we were growing up was to be humble. Never show off things you've got or you are capable of doing. Never brag. But at the same time, they always encouraged us to go out and shine! They encouraged us to pursue the things we wanted to pursue, and supported us all the way.

So in a way I always feel like my parents raised me as a superhero. A vigilante who goes out to "save the world" but then always hides behind the face of just another person amidst the crowd. I mean, I'm proud of how they've raised me, and I'm proud of how far I've come. I know that I've been given plenty of opportunity to experience and achieve the things I have today. But I will always try to be humble about it, and not let it get to my head too much. I will always look at myself from an outsider's point of view, and find plenty of room for improvement.

Which is why when people compliment me, I feel elated. Because that is what I've earned. That is not self praise, nor is it being smug. Praise and compliments from other people always make me extremely happy, and game to do even better the next time.

Not too long ago, I received an e-mail from a friend. I am not particularly close to her, but I've hung out with her a couple of times here in Auckland. She's very cool and I have high regard for her because she has a strong personality and is a dream chaser. Her e-mail came to me as a total surprise because I've not had any communication with her in a while. In her e-mail she wrote that she just wanted to let me know she thought I have plenty of potential. She said I had the right personality and physique for the entertainment industry and if I were keen on it she could hook me up with her networks. She said she thought I was a hard worker and she thinks I could go far.

Reading something like that out of the blue and from someone whom I respect, really made me feel pretty good about myself. It was honest and sincere, because I know she is honest and sincere, and I don't really know what to say except that I was very touched by her note.

And I guess I'm blogging about it only now because today I'm feeling kinda...meh. And I needed a picker upper. I've not been doing so well with the Medsci Lab Reports, when I thought I've been doing ok. The markers this year seem to mark even more strictly than they did last year, which is a bit annoying, because I handed in pretty much the same report, just with adjustments and improvements, but I got marked down instead! Annoyed. =\

I feel a bitterness rising inside with anything that has to do with Medsci. I know it's not good, but I just have so much hatred towards this paper. I don't like it, I don't want to like it, and I will never like it. But I have to take it. And I have to pass it.

I fear this coming final exams. I have never feared exams, but I fear this one. It is the one thing standing in my way of obtaining my Bachelors in Sport and Exercise Science. Without Medsci 205, my life would be a whole lot easier. This last semester was supposed to be doable, it was supposed to be me just finishing up and getting my degree. If it had been just me and my 3 Sportsci papers and 1 Math paper, my last few months in NZ would be bliss.

But looks like someone up there doesn't want my life to be a bed of roses just yet. Someone really wants me to prove how tough I can actually be. Grr..I hope that someone is happy that I'm getting sleepless nights because of Medsci.

Xterra Trail Run Series - Riverhead Forest

2011-05-22T18:13:00.002+08:00

This morning I took part in the first Xterra Trail Run. Stan signed up as well, so we did the Super Long course together. 21kms of pure muddy, rocky, rugged terrain. <3 haha...

Over the past few days I have been working my legs out heaps. I went for a run up Mount Wellington on Friday morning, then took a spin class about an hour just after. Yesterday morning I took Bootcamp for Configure, for which I didn't run much, but I did lead the warm up up Mount Wellington again. And then I took another spin class at 10.30 am that same morning. And to add to that, I've been swamped with reports to complete, which meant I had very little sleep over the past few nights too.

Which is probably no wonder that my quad muscles started to cramp up about 8kms into the race. And then in a moment of pure clumsiness (Karen style), I slipped on a muddy patch, jammed my foot to stop myself, and pulled my quad. Ouch, is an understatement. I tried to massage it, and slowly stretch it out, which helped to ease the pain. Slowly I started to pick up the pace again.

Stan and I ran the rest of the way together. He's amazing motivation to keep going. It's pretty awesome, because the last time I truly enjoyed running alongside someone else was with Keeran for the first Genting Trailblazer. But we were in a team event then, so we kinda had to keep close together. And I wasn't going out with him. So that's a different story. =) Oh running with Lydia was cool too, but again, team event, must run together.

We finished the race in 3 hours and 9 minutes, roughly. I was quite happy =) I aimed for 3 hours, but with trail runs, you can never tell how long you're gonna take because the terrain is so unpredictable. Plus, pulling a muscle is no fun. But having somebody to run with, is a lot of good fun. And especially with the kind of terrain we went through today, I know that even the keenest running friends I've got would not have enjoyed it. The fact that Stan thoroughly enjoyed it just leaves me in disbelief, I can't believe I never met him sooner. =)

happiness

2011-05-15T17:31:00.002+08:00

me: haha...we're ambassadors of fitness ;)

him: LOL. should we take over the world?;)

me: yes! hahaha

him: me and you... deal. we'll recruit more soldiers. and run our own fitness regime

me: hahah...yay! u know the cartoon the pinky and the brain?

him: yea. i'll be pinky :D

me: hahah

him: brain is weird

me: ok i'll be the brain...i'll start planning to take over the world...haha

him: haha cute! then we'll get that tank too :p

me: *nods* =)

him: then we'll rock up with our aviators

me: LOL :D

happy times!

2011-05-09T18:23:00.005+08:00

What is this, I shouldn't have let that piece of bad news stay on top of my blog for so long! Because although I was gutted, I was actually pretty numb about it a day after. =)

I've had SUCH a busy week! Well, I've had such a busy month. period. It's already the month of May! Time's speeding! I'm in my 9th week of uni, just a little over 3 weeks to go before the end of the semester.

Over the weekend I held a little party at my flat just to celebrate my birthday. I know it's not the actual day yet, but oh well, I figured it's also kinda like a pre farewell party...actually, it was just a reason to hold a party. just because. haha...=) You know how much I love having people over. And the turn out was great! I had roughly 20 guests. It was a tea time party, so I only prepared snacks and finger foods, Stan helped make some club sandwiches, Elise made me a ham and mushroom quiche, Laura made a fruit salad, and Erin and Lily both baked me my birthday cake! It was nice to see all of my favourite people in Auckland together in one room. I always do this, chuck all my different clicks of friends into one room and just hope they get along. It usually works, though I don't know if that's strange to do or not. hehe..

Wye Yin, or Coreen as she is known here, still think it's kinda cool how we come to meet again in New Zealand after all these years.

Erin and Elise! Two of my favourite Es. =)

Stan, the Man. ;)

So yes, finally I'm having a ball in Auckland, just when I'm about to leave. The irony! Life gets you in the silliest situations doesn't it? Oh, did I mention I'm also sick as hell with the cold, cough, fever, headache and all that jazz just 2 days before my actual 25th birthday? My flatmates told me it's bad luck to celebrate your birthday before the actual day, I think this is karma knocking on my door already. But then again, I'm gonna will myself to health with my super awesome immune system! I'll be in the pink of health come this Wednesday, you'll see! ;)

Am I stupid or something?

2011-05-03T06:48:00.003+08:00

Ok, so, I just got my Medsci205 Mid Term results back, and GUESS WHAT?

I failed it. Again. In fact, I think even worse than I did last year.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm a little stupider than I actually think of myself. Which is kinda sad because I've always had pretty good self esteem. It's insane. I've never done so badly in a subject before. I'm not that dumb, I don't think. I have brains that may not work 100% all the time, but I think it's safe to say that I've always been a higher than average student. I don't score straight As, but I do get them here and there. I understand things, I learn quick, and I'm really NOT a dimbo. I think I do have a scientific brain or else I wouldn't have gotten the results I've gotten in all my Sportsci subjects and through my BCom and through school. I'm NOT STUPID!

So why is it that this pathetic Stage 2 Medical Science subject seem to render me completely baffled, numbstruck, beaten to a pulp, outright stupid? I really do not get it. What is it about my brains that just doesn't seem to want to LEARN ANYTHING from this course?

Mental block? Perhaps. But even my mental blocks do not make me fail things. I do pass things. In all my years of bitching about Sejarah (History), and Geography, Biology, and Management 100, and Chemistry, I don't fail them. I always manage to scrape through.

But this, this leaves me defeated. And I don't like feeling defeated.

There's still a chance for me I guess. Lab reports and final exams. I could still pass this.

But really, God, please help me. I've never really prayed much in my life, and I am truly sorry I don't always believe in religion, but grant me the spirit and drive to just get through this paper so I can get my degree, please. I promise I'll do more charity, and reach out more to family and friends. I promise I will put this degree to the best use anyone possibly can. I have a vision, please help me get there.

the slightest thing

2011-04-30T15:29:00.002+08:00

I could go on without a care
Just living life, sharing laughter,
I could be a completely new person,
Without a history or a past endeavour.

I could ride on motorbikes, as fast as light,
Sip on cocktails or pints of beer,
I could watch movies, have dinner,
And just be with him, have no fear.

I could get skinnier, laugh louder,
Eat more good food, live the life,
Let my hair down, hang loose,
Have fun without having to strive.

But the slightest thing from you,
The teeny tiniest detail,
That had nothing to do with me,
Just your name, on a page,
Or a picture of you,
Is enough to paralyse me,
With memories of once upon a time.

Bonjour!

2011-04-24T18:56:00.003+08:00

My 2 week Easter break is about to come to an end and it has been quite a school break! I've been hanging out with so many cool people it's awesome! In all honesty, I did try pretty hard to study, but the discipline eludes me, as it always does, and so studies wise, it wasn't very productive. =\ BUT, life is about seizing opportunities...and in that sense, I've been doing pretty well. :D

I went on a trip with Elise and Henny, my flatmates. We did a short roadie to Paeroa, where we trekked to Karangahake Gorge. Then we drove to Coromandel town to spend the night. The next day we went to Cathedral Cove, which was another short trek to one of the loveliest beaches I know in North Island.When we came back, I went to meet Moïse for a cup of coffee. He is a traveller from France, stopping over in Auckland for 4 days, before he jets off to Tahiti to visit friends. When I first saw him, I almost gasped. Because I measured up to right below his shoulder. I've never felt so puny before, literally. But he was very warm and very nice to talk to. We ended up hanging out the next night (which was yesterday night) and the whole of today too.I went partying with the girls again last night, bringing Moïse along to Auckland's night scene. It's funny how this is becoming quite frequent for me now, seeing that I was the antithesis of clubbing not too long ago. Haha...guess perceptions can change. I still wouldn't club in downtown KL though, for the simple reason that parking is too expensive, and people who smoke are annoying. This time around I had a good night out with them. Because it's Easter today, clubs and bars turned the music off at midnight, so I called it a night early, while the others went on to the only 2 clubs left open in Auckland on the night before Easter.

I also hung out with Stan during the day. We watched the movie, The Town, which I highly recommend to everyone. Ben Affleck is so amazing, I might add. Stan's a cool dude who's from the NZ Army. We've been hanging out, not to mention he bootcamped my arse the other Sunday, leaving me with sore quads, biceps and lats for 2 days.

Today Moïse asked me if he could take me for a ride on his big bike! He rented one of those sports bike to tour Auckland, and I couldn't peel my eyes off it when I saw it. I was dying to ride on it, so when he asked if I'd like to go for a ride I was completely stoked! We rode to Piha, and I felt pretty cool for that 65 minute ride. hehe...I've got plans to buy me one now, when I make my millions next time. Imma get me a motorbike license and buy me a superbike. =)And to cap the night, Abby came by to chill and watch Slumdog Millionaire with me.

Looking back, I think I've had quite a couple of weeks. I'm surfing through the pictures on Facebook and I can't help smiling. It's funny. I think I'm finally having the time of my life here in Aucks. Life is finally looking peachy. =)

Sunday morning.

2011-04-17T04:25:00.002+08:00

8.25 am. I'm happily chewing my Vogel's honey crumbed cereal. I got up at about 5 in the morning, hearing the drunken laughter of my flatmates as they stagger home from a night out in town. I'd lain in bed a little longer, just to catch a little more sleep. I drifted in and out of sleep, watching the sun rise in intermittently through my half closed eyelids. At 7.30 am my alarm rang, and I finally got out of bed. On the way to the bathroom, I saw her room door ajar, and she was sleeping, still clothed in her party dress, and in full make up. She heard, and opened her eyes, so I said "Hey, I heard u coming back. How was it?" In reply, she murmured in a slur "wegothomeat5....". I said "Ok, go to sleep, then". And she nodded and fell back to sleep, while I closed her door for her, just smiling to myself. Thank God I had not followed them out last night.

8.32 am. Cereal bowl's empty now. I caught a waft of a fragrance off my sweatshirt. His fragrance. He came over last night. Just to chat and have ice cream with me. I was already in my pyjama pants. It was nice, hanging out as friends. I think he's very nice when he's just a friend. He stayed for about an hour, had 3 scoops of ice cream, then hugged me and left. But his fragrance lingered on. And it was strangely comforting.

8.36 am. I need to cook dinner tonight for the French. I'm cooking chicken curry and chapati. Then, I'm baking chocolate cheesecake for dessert. I know, I rock ;) I need to get more ingredients though.

8.40 am. I commented on a photo of a friend of yours on Facebook. She replied, so I replied her this morning. Then it struck me that it was probably going to show up in your feed, if you do notice it. That made me worry for about a nanosecond. And then I figured you probably wouldn't be the least bit affected. Still, I wonder how you're doing.

8.43 am. I should get off.

People you meet along the way.

2011-04-12T18:29:00.003+08:00

In life, (this is where I start to sound like I have lived a 100 years), we meet a lot of people along the way. For some of us, this is one of life's simple pleasures, for others, they beg to differ. To me, I've always kinda belonged to the first group. I enjoy meeting new faces, and talking about new things, and building friendships with people I find interesting. I am not a complete Barney the Dinosaur, where I actively go right up to someone and go "Hey! I'm Karen, and you are?" with a big grin plastered on my face. But I generally have no difficulty starting a conversation with a stranger if I felt compelled to.

Which is why I love being a personal trainer so much. I have met and formed some pretty neat friendships with some of my clients over here that I almost never ever dread going to work. And if i did, it was probably due to the fact that I've an assignment due soon or an exam to study for which I know could use the time I am at work, but in all honesty, I'd really much rather be at work than anywhere else in that situation.

So, the point of my extremely long winded and pathetic attempt at being philosophical introduction is, Nancy Hala. Nancy is one of my PT clients. She is one of the nicest, kindest, sweetest ladies I have ever met in my life. Seeing her again every time I come back from my Summer Break is usually the highlight of my being back to work. I started training her when I started working for Configure way back in July 2008. I saw her every week, and when she's not training one-on-one with me, she'd join my Fierce Fit classes, or my circuit classes. When I was training her, we work hard, but we share a lot of things with each other too. And I've seen her progress over the years. I've seen her shed the weight she wanted to lose, and saw the new clothes she bought for herself, and now she just looks amazing! She's basically glowing every time I see her now, it's so rewarding for me =)

This was back in 2008. When I get a picture with her now I will put it up.

And I just found out today, that she is moving to Australia. She's moving in June, because of a new job. And even though I am also leaving for good after her, just the thought of how our chapter is coming to an end kinda saddens me. I am very very pleased to have met Nancy. :) Definitely one of those I will truly miss when we bid farewell.

Halfway through, but nonethericher.

2011-04-10T08:05:00.003+08:00

Week 6 of the Semester ended, and I am now at the start of my mid-term break. So yes, halfway through!

I've had quite a week. Busy with uni work as usual, but school aside, I encountered some events which gave me reason to think a little more. I think I try to lead a life that I think sounds cool and carefree, but in reality, I am quite rigid in my perceptions and I often find myself going back to what I find is comfortable and close to home. But, in saying that, saying goodbye to someone is never easy. And although it was brief and short-lived, I wouldn't say they were completely moments sans emotion. I guess for me, there are always strings attached.

I went out last night with the flatmates, hoping to re-enact the events of the Irish Pub night I had 2 weeks ago, because that was pretty fun. But it took all of the big bright flash of a hidden speed camera on the way to town to dampen my spirits for the next few hours. Everything didn't seem as fun after that. I thought the singer was pretty average, and the energy levels weren't quite there. I thought the pint I had tasted boring. I thought the crowd were kinda creepy, with a strange Italian man dancing with his mobile phone in his hand and secretly snapping photos of us behind him without realising his phone has a flash. I thought I heard "500 Miles" been sung 4 times last night. And overall, I just wasn't feeling it. To top it off, when I got back to the car, there was another ticket sitting on my wipers, for a parking fine, for "failing to produce evidence of parking payment". Sigh. Survival tip in Auckland city. ALWAYS CHECK THE PARKING METERS. And blimmin' 60 kph down the hill is speeding, to them.My car's a Toyota btw.
But there's an upside to my week! =) I joined Girls On Top, a running group which does 2 hour runs every second Thursday night. Last Thursday saw me running up through knee high grass, and bush whacking through forest reserves and everything at night! It was cold, and pretty brutal, but I loved it! Yesterday, I took part in a women's tri relay with Rozelle and Erin and we came in 1st place! And I was the fastest girl on the run! woohoo! And this morning, despite last night, I got up and went for a training session with Stan the army man. And it was epic! I think if I kept this up, I'm gonna be a lean mean machine soon!

Team Configure!

I'm not sure how I'm going to spend my 2 week break, aside from finishing my 2 lab reports, 1 math assignment, and study for 2 mid term exams coming up after the break. Oh and continuing my data processing for biomechanics in the lab. and working the extra hours at the gym. But I think I shall begin with chillaxing today. El cheapo. No money to go out anymore. =\

Wistful.

2011-04-04T17:59:00.004+08:00

I'm sitting on my bed with my laptop on my lap. It feels good to be able to do this. I got my laptop a new China made battery, so now it can be charged up and will last for about 3 hours without me having to plug it in again. :D

I've had a crazy week last week. But it ended pretty well with the Tongariro Crossing to cap it off. If there's anything I truly love it would be hiking through mountains. I was completely at ease when I was doing the hike. It's like I left all my troubles behind in Auckland, and I went there feeling light as a feather.Today was full on. I left the house at 8 am, came back briefly at 12 for lunch, then I had to go off again, and I didn't get back till after 8 pm from work. Here's what I had for lunch. :) English spinach stirfried with garlic, and a chives omelette. Greens were from Lily's garden.
So right now I'm just bumming. Because my brain's fried, and I'm feeling rather wistful. I know it's my last semester, and I am very close to the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that I've only got 6 more academic weeks till I complete my degree. I know I can do this. But oh my God, I am so so so sick of it. I am so tired of everything! I long for the day I finish SO BADLY. There's still so much work to do! Yes the end is near, but there are still so many hurdles to cross, so many hills to climb!

If this were a spin class, I'm at the second last track, the one before the BIG POWER TRACK.
If this were a marathon, I'm doing my final 10 k in Kuala Lumpur, with that silly detour at the end of the race.

I. will. get. there.

Procrastinate some more!

2011-03-30T19:48:00.002+08:00

I never learn. Have I ever told you I never learn?

Perhaps it is because I don't want to.

It is 1.5 hours past the time I'd like to be in bed by. I have submitted 1 Medsci lab report, tidied up 1 Sportsci logbook, submitted 1 Math assignment, and is 50% through 1 Exercise Physiology lab report due on Friday. Oh, and I have a Math mid term test tomorrow, which I honestly don't think I'm going to study for. And I need to see my supervisor on Friday morning. And I have a lab tomorrow morning. And I have a FULL ON day tomorrow ALL the way till 7.30 pm thanks to stupid Math test. AND I still need to pack for Tongariro which I am leaving for at 6.30 pm on Friday.

Oh, and I'm going out for dinner tomorrow night.

Sweet. I know I could've avoided ALL of this if I had only managed my time properly. BUT. Like I said. I never learn. I have tried countless of times to sit down and start my reports sooner but something. always. gets. in. my. way.

hm.

It's so easy to forget I'm a student

2011-03-27T15:06:00.004+08:00

I have been having a lot of fun these days in Auckland. I really let myself go out and hang loose these days, which is both thrilling and worrying.

I swear it is so easy to forget I am a student. I have been doing like 40 hour weeks at uni, and that is excluding the reports, assignments, readings, and exams I have to do outside of class times. Plus I still work. Plus I have a much more interesting social life this year. So once again I am gonna say, I really do not have enough hours in a day!

But since I am already procrastinating as I am typing this right now, let me just recount my weekend.

I worked on Saturday, like I do every Saturday. I took a spin class with one of my own compilations. Erin and Elise tried it out for 20 minutes, then they had to go, but they said they liked it! I have regular participants in my spin classes now, which is extremely motivating. I feel sooooo good being at the front of the studio, looking at my members busting their butts off. :D

At night I decided to join my flatmates for a night out in town! I don't usually do this. And you all know about me and night time joints in town. We don't go very well. But I've been a lot more open to a lot more things since I've been back here, adopting the whole this-is-my-last-few-months-in-new-zealand spirit. (once again, I don't know whether that's a good thing or not). So I drove the girls out to O'Hagans, an Irish pub on the Viaduct. And you know what I completely enjoyed myself. I think live classic rock + no smoke + older age group (late 20s, early 30s) + awesome beer makes going out uber fun. Malaysia should definitely start banning smoking in bars.We went into 2 Irish pubs last night, and I met some pretty interesting people. I met a gorgeous Argentinian man, who spoke very enchanting Spanish. haha...and I met a nice Kiwi bloke who gave me a bouquet of plastic roses. And I met a funny Irish man who became kinda creepy when he came to close to me. But yeah, I danced very freely, in my jeans and jersey, and flat shoes. I sang along to all the songs because I knew every word of it, and I danced! =) Really, Malaysia should also start having more live music bars. With no smoke. And good beer.

When we wanted to go back to the car, one of my friends somehow chatted up one of these Night Riders (they cycle a rickshaw to bring u to your car/apartment in the city) and got him to take us all to my car. That crazy bunny (He had bunny ears) didn't want to bring us all the way to my car, but stopped us midway. I made him get off the bike, where I took over and rode all of us a block down to my car. HAHA, that was my moment of the night, I reckon. Then I drove my 2 very drunk flatmates home at close to 2 am. It was hilarious! I think watching drunk people are quite funny. =)I woke up at 7 am this morning, feeling buzzed and ready to go. So I ran down to Waiatarua Reserve and ran illegally in the 1st Run Auckland race. I did a pretty good time too! I think from now on I will have beer the night before any race. Preferably Belgian/Irish beer. =)

And I had brunch with some friends after the run. Which was really good too.

So yes, life has been pretty blissful. Save the fact that I now have to take on 2 lab reports and review some Math lectures. *boo*

Owell. 8 more weeks of class. 2 more weeks of exams. Yes, I can!

semana cuatro terminado.

2011-03-25T17:52:00.004+08:00

Done with 4 weeks of uni now. Seriously, time is sprinting away in a flash. I've more or less gotten myself a little more into the rhythm of things, adjusting my body to less feeding times in a day, and no afternoon naps. I've started to sleep earlier at night so I wake up as refreshed as possible to last me through the day.

I haven't had time to run much, only managing about 2 a week, which is pathetic. But with the hectic schedule I've managed to lose 3 kilos since I left Malaysia about 5 weeks ago. That's pretty amazing. If I say I'm not happy about it, I'd be lying :D It feels good to see the lines defining my abs once again. heh.

Just a couple of random stuffs. My trusty Timex Watch broke yesterday, to my heart's disappointment. I almost gasped in shock when my watch just fell to the ground out of the blue. I had no idea it was breaking at all. And it was just silly timing because just last weekend I was at a warehouse clearance and they were selling Timex IM watches for $59. But then I kept thinking just 6 months ago I had the battery changed for $45 (because it had to be pressure tested) and so I figured this watch would last me another year or so. Owell. Time for a new one, me thinks! :)

And so I subscribe to a few deal/voucher sites which sends me deals every day in my inbox. I'm glad I dont have compulsive impulses to buy everything, but I do find a number of awesome deals and score some really good stuff sometimes. The other day 1-day was having their $11 Bag of Crap day, whereby you pay $11 for a surprise something that will cost at least $11. And I got a Swiss Ball!! I was very pleased with what I got. :D Now I can make my flatmates exercise at home! haha...
2 more weeks and it'll be mid term break. That's really soon. Then after that I have 6 weeks left of academics. And then 2 weeks of exams. And then a whole lotta FUN with Lyn and Rosie!!

I have 106 days before I go home for good. I'm SO excited!

Re.or.gan.ize.

2011-03-21T14:09:00.004+08:00

I need to seriously restructure my life over here. I'm going crazy. I'm exhausted. 5 subjects? No joke. 5 subjects + last 4 months in NZ + new found interest = not enough waking hours in a day.

It's week #4 for the semester. And for once in my 2.8 years of studying in Auckland, I am going to say, Holy cow, time is moving fast! I am already spiralling out of control, and I know it. I realise it. It's time to sit down, reorganize, restructure and re-prioritise. I need to. My graduation depends on it.

I am gonna have to start allocating time for school, time for self study, time for work, time for eating right, time for working out, time for hanging lose with my friends, and time for aforementioned new found interest. That already sounds virtually impossible. Man, what's a girl got to do to have a little fun these days? Studying life, beckoning assignment deadlines and readings, I am so done with you.

I wish I have a day that I can dedicate to each aspect of my life. Like Monday is for school. Tuesday is self study. Wednesday is for pigging out. Thursday is date night. Friday is for friends. Saturday is for work. Sunday is for exercising. Even then I need to find one more day for just bumming around my room watching tv series and listening to music. Oh and when it comes to friends! I have too many groups of friends. I need more days for that. And only 1 date night a week? hmm...i could do with more actually. heh.

AHHH!

Breathe, Karen.

I can do this. Just reorganize.

Discipline has eluded me for 24 years and 10 months of my life. Oh God, give me discipline now, and please make it stay. Just make it stay for 3 more months.

Thank you.

Mama mia.

2011-03-18T19:04:00.002+08:00

I decided to have lunch with a friend today because I had some free time in the morning. But the weather wasn't looking too cheery today, so we had chicken teriyaki don buri takeaways and we just spent the day indoors. =)

Then I had to walk back to uni for my class, and on my way, a man walking beside me kept looking at me. And I had my iPod on, but he said something to me, so I had to take my earphones off to ask him what he said. And, in an Italian accent, he said "I said, you have very beautiful eyes" and he smiles. We chatted for a while as we walked (I really really dig their expressions when I tell people I study Sport Science, it's absolutely classic), and he asked me to join him for a cup of coffee, but I had to go to class, and though Marco (that was his name) seemed nice enough, I guess I'm not that outgoing, haha.

And it's all extremely random, I know, but I guess I've just been heaps happier of late. And maybe it shows in my eyes, my smile, my appearance, my aura. And good things happen to happy people, me thinks.

:)

Because I need to update this thing.

2011-03-15T19:04:00.003+08:00

And change the mood in here by pushing that last post down.

I've been keeping myself pretty busy over here in the Land of Auck. School has got me up to my neck with everything. And I've just gotten back into work too. But work, as always, has been great. I now take 2 spin classes a week, so that'll keep my behind nice and toned for a while. =) It is always great to see all the members again, and always very flattering when they tell me they've missed me. I still find it quite surprising when members actually notice that I haven't been around. Ah...the loveeeeee =)

Life has also taken a twist for me here. And it has been pretty refreshing. Feels pretty good to be the center of attention again, though, I should probably start time managing a little better if I am going to stay on track with my studies. So far it's been good fun!

Perspective. Mine has definitely changed. And suddenly the world looks a little more vibrant to me. Go figure. =)

Breakups.

2011-03-08T16:42:00.002+08:00

I have come to acknowledge the fact that everyone (and I mean everyone) who have ever been in a meaningful relationship, and has invested some level of emotion into the relationship, is going to end up significantly torn when the relationship ends.

The feeling of rejection, no matter how strong the person is or how noble the reasons are, is a feeling so overwhelming that nobody can truly empathize unless you are the person experiencing it yourself. And for every relationship, I think, it is different. Yet none any less tormenting. It would change you, be warned.

It is a blow to your ribs so hard that it leaves you breathless in pain. I don't think one can ever gauge how hard it is going to hit. And from my point of view, one can never expect it. The feeling which stirs and boils inside of you is beyond anyone's expectations, and you find yourself acting in ways you never thought you would.

And I say this because I went through it. I was a completely different person when it happened to me, I lost every ounce of strength I had, every glimmer of spirit, every trace of rationale and every hint of self confidence. And only months before it happened, I had tried to counsel, comfort and motivate friends of mine to stand up and walk again after a breakup, thinking to myself "How hard could it actually be?" I never expected it to be absolutely soul breaking.

And right now, I am up and running on my own two feet again. I see the world with a lot more colour than I did just a couple of months back. And I am significantly happier in every aspect of life. It took hard work to get to this stage, I admit. It took a lot of will power to hold back, lift my chin up, and push negativity out of my head. It took a lot, but I'm finally here.

I know people who have gone through it. I know people who are still going through it. To these people, I wish them strength and an abundance of comforting friends. People to lend a shoulder or just an ear...I think they were the most crucial part of my recovery.

***

On a brighter note, I'm 1 and a half weeks done with my semester! 12 and a half weeks more to go! :D

BG

2011-03-04T02:49:00.004+08:00

I've always been very careful with what I spend my money on in New Zealand. But given I've had some really foolish expenses too, which I do not look back on fondly.

Anyway, I recently spent $123 and I'm still wondering whether or not I'm proud of it. On one hand, it's going towards a good cause, charity for the Christchurch Earthquake and all. But on the other hand, that's not what I paid the money for.

I paid the money to watch this guy. The man from Man vs Wild himself, Bear Grylls.
You have no idea how much I love this man. To me, he is the epitome of what a real man should be - tough, wild, disciplined, capable, skillfull, extremely resourceful, and darn good looking. He also tends to portray the image of a loving husband and father, and a devoted Chief Scout, although these qualities could very well be part of his on screen persona. It's ok. I buy it. heh.
So I bought VIP tickets (because regular tickets just wasn't enough) to watch him talk 2 nights ago at the Sky City Convention Center in Auckland. When I first heard he was coming here I was ecstatic! So on hindsight, I think my VIP ticket purchase was a little rash and unnecessary. A regular one would do. But hey, come on. It's Bear Grylls. I don't know when I will see him live again =).

He signed my deuter! =)

So I went to watch, and be inspired. And I was surprised to see how young he looked in person, when he wasn't covered in dirt and blood. And he told us a simple story, of when he went up Mount Everest at the age of 23. I really liked it, because he told it from the perspective a young individual, humbled by the greatest mountain in the world. I thought it was pretty inspiring.

But the other acts that were on that night were pretty good too. Chris Cope was a pretty good musician, a Kiwi based in Auckland. I really liked his singing and thought his little loop pedal thing was quite awesome.

And Mark Inglis from New Zealand, who climbed Mount Everest with two prosthetic legs - he was pretty inspiring too. It kinda puts things into perspective, he's a double amputee, Bear Grylls was 23, and they have both went to the summit of Mount Everest and came back alive. I'm reaching my 25th birthday (as much as I am trying to delay it), and I have both very real, pretty strong legs, and I am no where close to climbing up that mountain.

I think I left the room feeling a sudden sense of urgency to go out there and DO things. GREAT things. There is so much I can offer in my life, to myself and to others. Who am I to let it all go to waste if I didn't at least try? =)

The not so secret welcome back party

2011-02-26T06:03:00.003+08:00

My friends here threw me a secret welcome back party. It was very sweet of them, but they had to tell me about it earlier on to make sure I went. haha...but still, it was a sweet gesture, and I am quite surprised at how many people showed up!

It definitely made my day..=)

We had Vietnamese food, went bowling, then had bubble tea. I think that's pretty awesome considering how rarely Aucklanders hop from one place to another (that isn't a bar) in a single night. So, granted I was quite happy last night. =)

There is a Jazz & Blues Festival tonight down the road, but it's $20 to go in. I'm torn between going because it's my last semester here and not going coz it's $20! To go or not to go??

Back in Auckland

2011-02-23T20:28:00.002+08:00

It's ridonkulous how fast time flies. It really feels like just a couple of days ago I was counting down the days till I finished my finals last year. An entire summer has passed by now, and I'm back in NZ again.

My summer holidays weren't exactly epic. If I were to be blatantly direct, I'd say it was the loneliest summer I've had in the past few years. But there were good times. I have amazing friends, I really do. And I truly appreciated being around family this time. It really helped things heal a lot faster.

So now here I sit, in the last place I will be living in here in Auckland. I have one last semester ahead of me, which begins this coming Monday. I have 16 weeks to study 5 subjects and be examined on them. And then I will throw my hands up in the air, and rejoice for surviving everything I have been through to tag this degree to my name. =)

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right? =)

Melbourne

2011-02-21T08:37:00.004+08:00

So Melbourne, we meet again.

Melbourne Central clock tower

This is my 4th time in Melbourne and my 3rd time staying with Kenneth. He's been an excellent host.

My flight here was long, bumpy and sickening, literally. I was a messy tired heap of migraines and stomach aches when I got off the flight. And the drama started from the moment I stepped into LCCT in KL, with my electronic visa being rejected because I had a new passport, and my luggage being overweight, and my laptop battery failing on me, and WiFi KLIA that didn't allow me to log into the Australian Immigration website. Geezzz...All of which has never happened to me before in my years of flying to and fro...not even the overweight baggage.

But I met many kind souls to help me get through it all, starting with Julie's mum and colleague, which helped me get a visa for free through the phone, followed by Michael, a Scottish traveller who helped me check in 1 backpack (Very interesting dude, who stayed with the Penan for a month and travelled around Malaysia for about 3 months or something), and finally Denning, an Iban/Fuchow Chinese from Kuching who played the ukulele and taught me both how to play the ukulele and speak Iban in our 8-turned-9 hour flight to Melbourne.

Denning and his ukulele

View of the full moon from my seat.

Anyhow, Melbourne has been enjoyable. The weather is a little erratic though. It's 15 degrees today, and I've not a single jacket in my bags. Coz they're all packed away in Auckland.

Potato twisty things from China Town

Aunty Bee Imm and my cousin Kimberly

I have been meeting up with several friends, and meeting up with more today and tomorrow. I even met up with my aunty and my cousin over here. Guess it was a pretty good idea to come for a few days longer. =) Makes my journey back to Auckland slightly more pleasant...hehe...

Melbourne and her arts. :)

I'm very tempted to shop in Melbourne. There are sales EVERYWHERE! But not only do I not have the moolah, I also do not have luggage space. heh.

I am missing my family and friends at home heaps. I've had some pretty heartfelt moments with every one of them this time around, so that makes leaving them very difficult. But I guess the bright side is there are only about 5 months to go before I see them all again. =)

Vee Day.

2011-02-14T22:56:00.004+08:00

4 years ago, under the moonlit sky, with the view of the KL Tower above our heads, a bunch of us sipped cocktails at Luna Bar, perfectly happy to be single on Valentine's Day. We had a good night that day, just hanging out, and laughing the night away.But underneath my toothy grin, and joyful laughter, I honestly wished that that would be the last Valentine's I'd be spending as a single. I had always loved the idea of celebrating a proper Valentine's, with a proper boyfriend, with flowers and dinner and just a romantic evening altogether. So when I met a handsome guy 8 months later that year, I knew my life would be a lot different. February 14th meant a whole lot more after that. I had a great time being somebody's girlfriend on Valentine's Day, no more lame feel-good excuses like "singles have more fun anyway", or "i'm single and ready to mingle!", or "Valentine's Day is also for celebrating love for family and friends" (because, let's face it, there's Mother's Day and Father's Day for that sorta thing). I felt genuinely loved and so I was really happy. It was a pretty good feeling. =)

Today, after 3 years of happy Valentines, I'm back to being single on Valentine's Day. And truth be told, I was kinda dreading today. I dreaded it because I knew that my best friends will be waking up to texts from their boyfriends that will make them smile, I knew that I'd go out and be ambushed by people selling roses, and restaurants promoting Valentines packages, I knew that I'd start reminiscing on the past 3 years' Valentines with excruciating detail, and I knew that if it were up to me, I'd be planning something nice for today.

But when today finally came, it wasn't too bad. Sure I did all of the above to a certain extent. Sure I hated myself for a fraction of time for coming up with those lame feel-good excuses again. But right now I think I went through it pretty well. I survived.

I hope all of you enjoyed yourself today. To those who had a special someone to share it with, I hope you appreciated all that he/she has done for you, and had an amazing time. To all other singles, I trust you had a good time (we always manage to in the end), but I wish that you (and I) would celebrate Valentine's with someone special next year. =)

Busy body.

2011-02-13T00:12:00.002+08:00

I've been going out a LOT lately. It's all because I'm flying off soon, and suddenly there is all these "one more time before you fly off" dinners and lunches and teas (because I ran out of dinner and lunch slots) to carry out with friends. Different groups of friends.

It's all very flattering, and extremely enjoyable having so many plans, and sharing so many great moments with all my friends. But the downside of it is the big hole in my pocket, the hectic schedule, leaving me very little time with my family, the tiredness, the lack of sleep, the aching back and aching foot (yes just one), the influx of food consumption, and the inability to save money!

I'm feeling worn out every night, and I fall asleep almost the instant my head hits the pillow. And the next thing I know my alarm rings at 4.45 am and it's time to go to work again. That's it. No dreams. I just sleep like a log.

I'm feeling happy though. That's what holidays are for. =)

Geronimo!

2011-02-07T11:29:00.002+08:00

I haven't been able to come up with anything to blog about in the past few weeks. I keep opening up my Blogger Dashboard, clicking on New Post, and then just staring at the little line in the text box, watching it blink.

It's not that nothing much has been happening to me. I've actually been out and about with lots of friends to meet and food to eat. And I've had interesting people in my life and interesting things happening too. But I've lost my interest in taking photos. I guess.

And with no photos, I find there isn't much point to blog about something. I don't think my words are eye catching enough to hold my reader's attention. heh.

But anyways, some updates!

It's Chinese New Year! And though it isn't really my favourite celebration of the year, the festivities sure help lift my mood a little. I've been on an eating spree, putting many many many sinful things into my mouth. And for some reason I am not even afraid that I haven't gone for a run since last Thursday. I'm on a holiday!!

I did a photoshoot about 2 weeks ago. Jason asked if I'd like to model for his friend who was opening an online boutique, as he was the photographer. I thought, sure. Why not. My only worry was that I would be too big for some of these China made Free Size dresses. Turned out I was, in my opinion, a little too big for some of the tanks and dresses, but they seem to think I took good shots, so hooray for big, broad, muscly shoulders! =)This is my favourite shot. =)
I cleaned up a cabinet in my room to chuck it away and put a new one in. In the process, inevitably I found a chest full of childhood treasures. Letters, birthday cards, little notes, diaries, report cards...you name it. It just makes me think how when I was in high school, my entire world revolved around high school. The friends, the things we learn, life's simple lessons...it all came from within the compound of school.

Of course I unearthed some more ex boyfriend things, which tugged a couple of heart strings, but I was cool enough to put them gently into The Box. My friends say I shouldn't throw them away. Because one day I'll look back at them and find it all very funny. I hope so. =)

Old Spice

2011-02-05T21:36:00.004+08:00

Old Spice - Scent Vacation - (2011) :60

2011-02-05T11:38:00.001+08:00

To know that you feel the same, is like a three fold utopian dream. You do something to me, that I can’t explain. So would I be out of line, if I said, I miss you.

Incubus.

body issues

2011-01-27T21:41:00.002+08:00

I may not really show it, but I think sometimes I have body issues. I wouldn't be busting my butt off every now and then if I didn't. "I love running" isn't quite motivation enough to throw my trainers on and hit the road sometimes. heh.

So yesterday when I went running at the lake, one of the regulars there said to me "Wah you put on weight ar?". Darn. I absolutely abhor that comment. It's the bane of me. Because I feel like I wear the tag Sport Science all the time and I should, at the very least, look the part. I feel people like me shouldn't gain weight, simply because we know how not to.

But I guess doctors fall sick too.

Anyway. I have been putting on weight. But not fat. Muscle. And I say this with absolute confidence.

My shoulders and arms have a heavier tone in the past month or so. Probably due to push ups and burpees. It's funny though, because I don't do heaps of them. Neither do I lift weights. I guess I'm just a typical mesomorph.

But any layman (from Malaysia) who sees me will say "Wah you put on weight ar?" because when I'm donning my sleeveless running tanks I think look like a boy with boobs and a ponytail. heh.

The final whine.

2011-01-26T22:34:00.007+08:00

"I can't stand it. She's so whiny!" says a friend about the protagonist of Eat Pray Love, a book which I've recently picked up and started reading because I couldn't bring myself to continue to read The Girl Who Played With Fire.

I had just watched the movie Eat Pray Love, and I thought it was quite good. I really liked it. But I don't know whether it's due to the fact that I'm pining for someone myself, thus, I felt some sorta empathy for her.

So do I whine? Am I being whiny right now to the friends I confide in?

After thinking about it for a while, I think I do. Actually, I know I do. And in my efforts to not annoy my friends, I try to keep it to a minimum, hence I keep more things bottled up inside of me and put on a brave smiley front whenever I see them, until I eventually explode at the slightest trigger, say spilt juice. This has happened more than once.

It's almost 3 months since the break up, a deadline I've given myself to end my pathetic sobs and whines and forget the heartbreak altogether. I know it would be no easy task as I still think of him dearly every day, and I miss him terribly. The sight of couples on the street and in shopping malls, even watching my friends and their boyfriends, get me down. =(

I wonder if he has found someone new by now. And I wonder if I saw him and her together, I'd be able to move on quicker. I know it would crush me to the ends of never, but at least it would give me a sense of finality. Maybe if I saw that he has already invested his heart in another, I would be able to mend my broken machine and do the same for myself.

Maybe. Sigh.

And this shall be my final whine.

Flash Mob!

2011-01-24T12:57:00.004+08:00

I've watched a million Flash Mob videos from all over the world, and I kept thinking, Malaysia will never be able to pull something like that off. Then Singapore did one. And apparently KL did one too!

When Shu Fei told me about it in December I was pretty excited! I was more than ecstatic to help her out, and she thought I was doing her a grand favour! I had so much fun I miss the stress and hours of practise! I ♥ performances!

Anyway, Mr Tan, friend of mine, helped record this video, so enjoy! =)

Sound Advice

2011-01-23T19:30:00.000+08:00

Source: http://healthsetter.com/sound-advice/

Ruins.

2011-01-21T18:23:00.001+08:00

“A friend took me to the most amazing place the other day. It’s called the Augusteum. Octavian Augustus built it to house his remains. When the barbarians came they trashed it a long with everything else. The great Augustus, Rome’s first true great emperor. How could he have imagined that Rome, the whole world as far as he was concerned, would be in ruins. It’s one of the quietest, loneliest places in Rome. The city has grown up around it over the centuries. It feels like a precious wound, a heartbreak you won’t let go of because it hurts too good. We all want things to stay the same. Settle for living in misery because we’re afraid of change, of things crumbling to ruins. Then I looked at around to this place, at the chaos it has endured – the way it has been adapted, burned, pillaged and found a way to build itself back up again. And I was reassured, maybe my life hasn’t been so chaotic, it’s just the world that is, and the real trap is getting attached to any of it. Ruin is a gift. Ruin is the road to transformation.”

29.

2011-01-20T01:01:00.002+08:00

A year ago, I would go into a mild anxiety state when the date of my departure drew closer than 30 days. I would rack my brains to think of places to go, food to eat and just ways to spend time with him before i fly off again. I knew that every time I flew off, I was saying goodbye to more than just physical presence. Because the silence that lay ahead was inevitable.

Now that I didn't have to worry about it, I should kind of look forward to going off, and finishing up my degree.

Except, that something else sits at the back of my mind.

The thought of returning home, and finding that he's no longer here.

Hunger.

2011-01-18T23:05:00.002+08:00

I've never been good with trying to stifle hunger pangs. I've never been able to go on diets and all, simply because I love food too much. One of the biggest contributors to my homesickness in New Zealand was the food cravings I had which went dissatisfied for months, till I came home and sank my teeth into some good ol' Malaysian delicacy.

I think it also has to do with the fact that I almost always got what I wanted. Maybe life has been easy for me, that whenever I wanted something, I usually got it relatively easily. If I wanted a Ramly burger, I'd get it. If I wanted to do a degree overseas, I got it. If I wanted to stay out late with my friends, there'd be some struggle I had to put up with, but I eventually got it. If I wanted something new, I somehow found a way to get it. Not necessarily through my parents' means, sometimes on my own. My universe has been somewhat kind to me all this while, arranging things in a way where I got things the way I wanted, almost always.

Right up till now. I really want something right now. And every cell in my heart and brain tell me that I want it. But I cannot have it. And that depresses me. Because as far as I know, I've done whatever I can to ensure I did no wrong. I've done everything I know, to be the best person I can be, to give, to forgive, to love, and to respect. Only to lose at a game I thought I knew how to win.

If this is what it's like to be a full grown adult, then I wish I could stay a kid forever. Where if you were naughty, you get punished, if you were good, you get chocolate. And chocolate which came as a reward always tasted far sweeter than usual.

Between the lines

2011-01-16T22:59:00.002+08:00

Time to tell me the truth
To burden your mouth for what you say
No pieces of paper in the way
'Cause I can't continue pretending to choose
These opposite sides on which we fall
Loving you laters if at all
No right minds could wrong be this many times

My memory is cruel
I'm queen of attention to details
Defending intentions if he fails
Until now, he told me her name
It sounded familiar in a way
I could have sworn I'd heard him say it ten thousand times
Oh, if only I had been listening

Leave unsaid unspoken
Eyes wide shut unopened
You and me
Always between the lines
Between the lines

I thought I, I thought I was ready to bleed
That we'd move from the shadows on the wall
And stand in the center of it all
Too late, two choices to stay or to leave
Mine was so easy to uncover
He'd already left with the other
So I've learned to listen through silence

I tell myself all the words he surely meant to say
I'll talk until the conversation doesn't stay on
Wait for me, I'm almost ready
When he meant let go

Orang Éire

2011-01-14T16:11:00.007+08:00

I have been given the opportunity to train the Orang Éire. That's Orang as in Malay for "Men" and Éire as in Irish for "Ireland". That's right, baby, I've been training the Gaelic Football team of Malaysia!

But before you go "You play Gaelic??? I didn't even know you play football!", you're right. I don't. I don't even know the rules to it. I'm training them on strength, agility and conditioning. In other words, I've been bootcamping their Irish arses into shape! =) (which isn't too bad a sight, to be honest).

It's been good fun! The team is a proud group consisting of Irish, Scottish, Americans, Kiwis, Jamaicans, and Aussies. I think they're parents/teachers of Garden International School in Mont Kiara. So training sessions are held in the very beautiful GIS field.

I LOVE the school. If I were a student there I'd so wanna be an athletic superstar. It's got every facility you can dream of, top notch, A grade, best quality!

But forget the field. The team has been great! I've only had 2 sessions with them, and I've had so much fun! They're a very fit bunch of people, and their determination inspires me.

They've been asking me to join them in their games, and you know me, and my phobia of balls? Yeah, got me a little worried. But after learning a little more about the game, I think I kinda like this game. Because you can do pretty much anything with it. =) Have a look at the video.

Sad love songs

2011-01-12T10:59:00.009+08:00

They say when you're in love, every lovesong is about you.

Lately, I've been inevitably attracted to songs with a more melancholic genre. It's asking for trouble, really, because I just feel even sadder later on. But it's not like happy lovesongs make me feel any better. All I can think of is how that could have once applied to me.

When you're thirsty, you drink. When you're hungry, you eat. So what do you do when you're dying to hold him, and he's only a minute's drive away?

That's what's killing me.
So what's worse?

Being 12 hours apart by flight, loving him from a distance, waiting through the months to be in his embrace; or, being only a stone's throw away from him, loving him from a distance, and knowing you can no longer be in his embrace.

moot.

2011-01-09T22:54:00.000+08:00

Feel.

2011-01-08T22:51:00.003+08:00

It has been established that women tend to feel more than men. In general. And the men I speak to agree with this statement.

I think it's just the whole Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus concept. We're just built differently. It is sometimes quite puzzling why we're made to fall in love with each other.

But sometimes I wish men are built with a little bit more emotion. Not equal to women. Just a tad more than what they already have. Sometimes I wish they would actually think a fraction of a second longer before uttering certain words, or doing certain things, which involve the woman they claim to care for. Sometimes I wish they can actually feel just a tad more for the one woman in their lives, so that she becomes just that bit more special to him.

It's either that or make us women less emotional. Chip away at our feelings of guilt, yearning, loneliness and attachment.

I think the gap is too big.

"He who cares least, wins."

XT Wings

2011-01-05T23:16:00.002+08:00

I got new trail running shoes. ♥

Seep through.

2011-01-03T23:52:00.003+08:00

3 days into the New Year, and I've been holding up! Bootcamp started again this morning, and it was Benchmark day. I love my job. I can't wait to be a full time trainer! =)

My brother went back to Perth tonight. It was good fun having him around, always dreaded sending him off. It's like ever since I had to go overseas, albeit how much I wanted to go when I was younger, I really appreciate times when the whole family are together. If I could preserve time, I'd preserve the time when we were all still studying in Subang Jaya. =)

I went for a trip to PD over the New Year weekend. It was...interesting. It wasn't my usual crowd, and I only knew about 3-4 people out of the 13. I went because everyone around me encourages me to go out, meet new people, have fun, enjoy, live life...which I should. So I went. The drinking was good. I haven't had a session of happy juice indulgence in a while. But I'm not a big fan of the smoking that went on in that bungalow. And we had very different views on matters of life. heh.

And it bugged me just a tad, that PD was the last place I saw him on July 23rd...right before he sent me to the airport. The bridge we walked hand-in-hand, the nasi lemak kukus stall we stopped at for a bite, the beach we strolled...they all resonated in my eyes as memories I am trying quite hard to bury. It's funny, innit, how only 6 months ago everything seemed promising.

I guess that's long distance relationships for you. You run the risk of having memories in snapshots, but what happens in the months in between remains grey. I think it's not uncommon. Many people in long distance relationships bite to dust. But everyone has the right to hope to be the ones to walk out at the other end of the tunnel. I know I certainly prayed I could be that lucky.

Better luck next time? =)

2010

2010-12-31T21:48:00.003+08:00

Like last year, I'm gonna sum up the things I managed to do in 2010.

If I thought being 23 wasn't all that fun, being 24 was pretty awesome. It started out extremely amazing, had a couple of lows in between the months, but it generally stayed quite cool throughout the year.

In 2010...

I started to train people on a freelance basis. My first client was Kenneth.

I went to 2 waterfalls

I went camping again

I won a grand from one night marathon in Putrajaya

I stayed with a Hong Kong family, ate heaps of fu qua, spoke more than 10 sentences of Cantonese in a day, and learned how to make buns

I bought a new car, crashed it, profited from insurance claims, and bought another car.

I did the Tongariro Alpine Crossing wearing cheap as $20 boots which almost severed my ankles

I got myself a tattoo

I hiked up Mount Ruapehu and experienced a snow blizzard, albeit a mini one

I got soaked in the rain and mud at the International Rainforest Music Festival in Miri, Sarawak

I failed my first university subject

I did another sprint triathlon after a 2 year long hiatus

I did 3 weeks of Bootcamp

I got a new phone and is now a big fan of the wonderful world of smart phones

I played fireworks on Guy Fawkes Day

I lived with 2 French girls, a German guy and a Japanese guy

I cooked dinner for 13 relatives who visited me in Auckland

I ran another marathon personal best!

I traveled to another country by myself and couch surfed!

I traveled around the South Island of New Zealand with my family and loved it

I bungy jumped from 134m above the ground!

I obtained my first major injury i.e. plantar fasciitis

I became a Bootcamp physical instructor

I got my picture up on the wall in a gym in Auckland

I learn to let go

The end of 2010 was marred by the break up. A year ago, I was falling madly in love again with the same boy I had been in love with for the past 3 years. Today, I love him no less. I am still learning to let go. I guess time will heal the wounds, and with a new year, comes a new breath of life. Let's hope 2011 brings me the happiness I seek.

Happy new year, peeps!

Laugh.

2010-12-31T02:23:00.002+08:00

I had a pretty good day today.

Went for karaoke with Julie, Weng and Pei Jien and it was epic. It was the most fun I've had in a while. =)

Then I went for lamb burger with Jon, Gene and Seu Foong and it was good fun too. Laughed loads. =) Doesn't matter that this was the 3rd burger I've had this week.

Laugh. Today I laughed. Whole heartedly. :)

Yay!

2010-12-29T23:47:00.000+08:00

I ran a whole 5 km today and didn't get a funky heel.

YAY!

Picking up the pieces

2010-12-28T23:29:00.003+08:00

The biggest obstacle I seem to face these days is picking up the pieces of my broken heart, as drama-queen as that may sound. I don't know if it is somewhat psychological, but I almost don't want to recover and move on. I feel as if I want to stay here in my rut, wallow in pity, and cling on to memories I held so dearly for the past few years.

But recently I sat down and spoke to probably the wisest people in my life, the ones who know me inside and out, and understand me even when I sometimes think they don't - mum and dad. It was a long, heavy, emotion-stricken conversation, and I sobbed like I did when I was 5. But I woke up the next day feeling a whole lot better, albeit with puffy eyes.

Ever since then, I've felt lighter. I feel like I can finally be happy for the ones who are happy around me. I feel less jealous of them, and a little more accepting of my current status. I've also begun exercising again, which is really great for the soul. I guess you could say I'm smiling again. Sincerely.

It's exactly 2 months ago since that phone call. I still do think of him every day, wondering what he's up to, where he is, and how he's getting along. I still reminisce happy times. But I guess I am slowly starting accept things. What was it? Don't feel sad that it's over, be glad that you've had it at all? Something like that.

Yeah, I'm glad I met the boy. He gave me some of the best times of my life, and I'll never forget them. But we'll let chips fall where they may. =)

Progress.

2010-12-27T00:20:00.004+08:00

Today I threw my trainers on, and went running. The blubber around my waist was getting in the way, and I decided I couldn't stand it anymore.

I went slow and steady, feeling for any pangs of pain from my left heel. To my surprise, it behaved for a good 4 km or so. I was almost back in my neighbourhood when it started to feel slightly tight again. So I slowed to a brisk walk just to be cautious.

But that's progress! So I'm quite happy about it. I can finally shed this holiday look and start toning my body up again.

I'm gonna walk into 2011 with my chin up. =)

Merry Christmas, peeps =)

2010-12-25T00:43:00.002+08:00

It's Christmas Day.

I just got home from a friend's place. Got home a little bit earlier because I wanted to sleep a little bit earlier for Bootcamp tomorrow.

But I guess the silence got the better of me again.

It's Christmas Day. I started to send a message to a few friends online and they were all either away, on Skype with a boyfriend/girlfriend or waiting for their boyfriend/girlfriend to come home.

It sucks. I know I know, I should stop emoing. But it sucks.

I guess at some point I will get used to the idea of spending these special holidays on my own. As in, I could spend it with friends, but when they all go home, or leave with their significant others, I'm back to being alone again.

I think I'm just being jealous. I am jealous of the people out there who have boyfriends and girlfriends and fiancés. It's as simple as that. I am saddened by the fact that I came home to misery and emptiness. Yes I have friends, yes I have my family. But there is a void that remains unfilled so long as I yearned to be with him.

I still feel a little cheated...a little ripped off. I was looking forward to summer. I was looking forward to being held, to holding hands, to cuddles, to kisses, to road trips, to dates, to text messages and to late night phone calls. I was looking forward to a reunion. I still haven't quite accepted the fact that all of that is gone.

Oh well. Merry Christmas anyway. Hope you all have a much brighter one than I did.

2010-12-23T11:07:00.002+08:00

I feel like running away.

Except that I can't run.

I feel like bawling my eyes out.

Except that I can't cry.

I feel like picking up the phone.

Except that I can't call you.

I can't call you. And therein lies my reason.

Spears

2010-12-21T15:53:00.005+08:00

Ever since Hit Me Baby (One More Time) hit the stations back in 2000, I became a proud member of the Britney Spears fandom. I loved Britney. I memorized her music, I secretly practised her dance moves in my room, I even used her song "Sometimes" to send to a boy in high school to tell him to "wait for me". haha...it was quite funny because in return he sent me "November Rain" by Guns N Roses. Talk about tough love.

I am such a Britney fan that throughout her downhill descend in the pop music industry, I defended her and supported her music even louder. I remember thinking "Piece of Me" was such an awesome song! But my all time favourite Britney hit was Me Against the Music featuring Madonna. I loved the tune, I loved the words, and I was absolutely blown away by the dance in that video! I wanted sooooo badly to perform Me Against the Music in some event...any event! Like Leo Club installation/IU, Sports Day, some distant cousin's wedding? Anything! For a very long time I kept crashing my knees onto my bedroom floor, trying to nail that move she has in that video where it ended with a knee drop to the ground, and an arch backwards.

Watching the latest season Glee episode with the Britney theme, I went all Britney-fanatic again. I've been Youtubing music videos of Britney all over again, watching that Glee episode a million times a day and wishing I had my high school years back so I can go dance in some event. haha...

I guess Britney Spears may not be the best role model to teens, but she was a great inspiration to me. Her songs had always advocated confidence, feminism, and the strength to speak up and speak out.

I love Britney Spears. I think Glee made a good choice in reminding everyone about Britney. =)

Heal, heel!

2010-12-19T17:13:00.002+08:00

I couldn't run my 12 km Malakoff run this morning because my heel played up at about half an hour into the race. sigh.

I really hope it gets well SOON!

Merry Christmas, Darling

2010-12-17T21:26:00.004+08:00

Greeting cards have all been sent
The Christmas rush is through
But I still have one wish to make
A special one for you

Merry Christmas darling
We're apart that's true
But I can dream and in my dreams
I'm Christmas-ing with you

Holidays are joyful
There's always something new
But every day's a holiday
When I'm near to you
The lights on my tree
I wish you could see
I wish it every day
Logs on the fire
Fill me with desire
To see you and to say

That I wish you Merry Christmas
Happy New Year, too
I've just one wish
On this Christmas Eve
I wish I were with you

48 days

2010-12-15T13:04:00.005+08:00

48 days ago, a phone call which came late in the night, completely shattered my heart.

48 days is more than a month. Yet I feel like I haven't had time to properly grieve. At first, I cried all that night and all the next day. Then I summoned the strength to take on my final exams. Which I managed to score an A-, a B+, a B and a B- for, which was surprising, but I'm grateful that I pulled through. Then I didn't really allow myself to cry anymore. I spent every day filling my time with things to do, and packing, and psyching myself up for my big inaugural couch surfing experience and then the next thing I knew I was on a holiday and my parents and brother were with me.

To be honest, I thought I was handling the situation pretty well. I laughed heaps with my friends and my family. I took many smiling pictures and enjoyed my mini adventure. I took in the mountains and the lakes and the ice wholeheartedly and didn't waste a drop of tear throughout the whole trip. I did think about it whenever I was alone, every now and then, but company was never too far away so I guess a diversion was easy to come by. I thought by the end of it, my wounds would've healed and I would've been strong enough to face coming back here with the knowledge that things are going to be a whole lot different.

I guess I'm not as strong as I'd like to be. Ever since I've gotten back here, I am silenced by every familiar place. My laughter stifled by every familiar song. My breathing suffocated by every time I drive by the roads that lead to his house. I crumble at the sight objects given to me by him. My throat tightens at the sight of photos. And I just cannot seem to surface from it all.

And I want what every person who goes through a break up wants. I want to emerge victorious. I want to appear stronger, more confident, and well on my way to moving on. I know of friends of mine who would shake their heads when they read this post of mine, because it just means I'm letting him win. Well the truth is, if he does read this, I couldn't really care less.

I am broken. Yes I want to get better. But I feel like I have just started to look at my wounds, and check out the severity of the situation. I have only just realised how much it hurts. And the anaesthesia have long worn off.

I was very much in love for the past 3 years. I was head over heels, blinded, star struck, out of this world, insanely in love with a boy. He was the apple of my eye. And even though our journey wasn't always smooth, I never stopped loving him. I've had some pretty amazing times with him, and even if focusing on the horrible times may help me to move on, I can't help but remember all of the sweetest of days.

I don't know how long I will take to recover. I guess when One Tree Hill episodes stop making me cry, when Vienna Teng stops sounding like knives, when Thursday nights stop making me go "it's Thursday night", when the 20th of every month stop making me feel like going to a shooting range, when his pictures on Facebook stop making me hold my breath, when the mud stains on my bag stop making me think of the Rainforest Music Festival and when I can finally say I'm ok with Vietnam, that's when I know I am on my way to loving somebody else.

But for now, I long to see him, to hear his voice, to hear him say everything can go back to normal. Even though I know it would not. I long for a miracle to happen. I might even start believing in Santa.

Freak

2010-12-11T15:43:00.004+08:00

I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me socially. Because, there I was at Zouk last night, dancing with 2 of my bestest friends in the world, and I still could not comprehend what attracts people to clubs.

Everything about clubs spell sin. I know I'm being such a prude, but I really don't know why I'd go to a club to subject myself to massive amounts of second hand smoke, disgusting intoxicated drunkards with octopus hands, gross toilets, the paranoia that my wallet/mobile would be nicked, the paranoia that if I stood alone I'd be approached by unwanted people, and did i mention the vile, pungent smell of second hand smoke in my hair and clothes and everything?

But I have not found another soul who seems to share my opinions. I have not found another person who is about my age, who's been through the same education system I went through, who is generally sociable and extroverted and not a complete nerd/geek/introvert, who seems to despise clubbing as much as I do. All my friends seem to like it. Or be okay with it. Why?

Does that make me kind of a freak? Every time I tell someone I don't club the conversation goes like this:

A: You don't club? Serious?

Me: Yea, I don't really like it. Not really my most comfortable zone in the world.

A: Yeah, I know what you mean. Nowadays I also don't club that often. Getting old/no time/too many young people in the club...

Me: Nah I've never really clubbed. Not even after high school. This is like my 3rd time here in my entire life.

A: O.o

I think when people hear that coming from my mouth, I get labelled prude immediately. And that kinda makes me NOT want to go to clubs even more. Because in the club, I am by far the LEAST coolest person in the room and that...is just sad.

Last night, probably under the influence of alcohol, my self esteem took a dive to the hell below. I felt uncool, unattractive, uncoordinated, awkward in my dress and heels, unappreciated, and unwanted. I thought to myself "Who would want to date you, prude! You don't club? That's damn uncool. You're dragged to the middle of the dance floor and all you can worry about is someone groping you in the dark? What a loser! No wonder you got dumped! You're no fun at all!" (Yes I realize I can be pretty damn harsh to myself). But I couldn't help it. All I could think of was how uncool and conservative I am. And how he is such a social butterfly, fluttering amongst different clicks, he's got money, he's got moves, he's got wit and charm. And he could've been the worst to me, people still laughed, and danced and bloody smoked with him like he was their best chum. I kept picturing him there. Dancing. Laughing. And then I looked at my two best friends having a ball of a time. EVERYONE was having a blast. In that scenario, I was the different one. I was the only one with a frown on my face. In that scenario, the world could be divided into 2, the cool happy people to which both my best friends and him belong to, and the uncool and very uncomfortable people to which only I belong to.

I suddenly felt how unfair the world was. How people are constantly on pretense, putting on facades to others. How so many people gave up trying to be themselves anymore because it was just way easier to be someone other people could hang with.

Now, may I remind you that I had a few drinks and let's just say I was not really in my best emotional state. So all this melodrama just came crashing down on me in spite of the loud pumping music and the party vibe which surrounded me.

I am an outcast in a club. And I will ALWAYS be an outcast in a club. No matter how many chances I give it, the club is not my most comfortable setting in the world. When I am in there, I feel at my lowest. And that's not very pleasant.

Power.

2010-12-07T16:43:00.002+08:00

I have a tattoo on my left ankle. It reads Kia Kaha, and it means Be Strong in Maori.

I got it because I wanted something to remind me to be strong. New Zealand was more than just an overseas education experience for me. There were many times where my walls caved in around me, and all that I wished for from the universe was a pair of ruby red shoes to bring me home.

Power is something I see in everyone. Some people let it shine, some people struggle to find it from within.

Power is in my brother's heart and soul, as he finished his 3rd Ironman on Sunday.

Power is in my brother's mind, as he stood on the ledge at the Nevis Highwire Bungy, trying to calm the roaring fear of heights he's got.

Power is in my dad's spirit, as he relentlessly, wakes up to run every single day with full discipline.

Power is in my mom's heart, for all that she does for every member of my family, day after night after day after night.

Power is something I constantly seek. I may not be an outright feminist, but I strive to be as powerful as I can be. I seek strength to satisfy my thirst for winning, to lift my chin up in the face of a heartbreak, to emblazon my words to inspire others to want to be powerful too.

It's amazing how being an instructor and a personal trainer gives me the ability to channel power. I took a spin class by myself the week I finished my exams in Auckland. I have never been able to fully complete an RPM class following the instructor's resistance and not backing down. I always had to turn the dial down at some point in the class. But that day I took a 50 minute spin class, yelled my lungs out at the members of my class, pumped my quads and hams till they were numb, and felt power surge through my veins.

Yesterday I started at Rebel Bootcamp in Subang Jaya and I saw power. I've instructed and trained quite a number of people and group classes. And they never cease to let me down. I saw power in the faces of those who gave it their all. I saw power in the people whom I know was fighting every temptation to give up, to quit...yet they could squeeze in one more push up. And another. And another.

I love seeing that. Seeing people dig deep, and finding power within themselves. I love it more than anything in the world.

Lately, though, I have been finding it a little harder to harness my own inner strength and power. I am broken. I have been for a while. Like having dying batteries, I shine my brightest smile in front of everyone, then flicker and dim when I'm alone. I try to keep my chin up, immerse myself among people, let loose, enjoy, have fun. It. isn't. really. working.

I seek the power to forget you. I sure hope I find it.

Nice

2010-11-16T20:49:00.003+08:00

Day 3 on my little QLD Adventure and I;m rightfully a couple of shades darker. I've been doing a lot of walking under the blazing Australian sun, and it's starting to feel like Malaysia.

I'm currently in Brisbane, and my host over here, Cara is really really sweet. She's such an interesting character, very bubbly and chatty, and oh so kind hearted. And I've met her other flatmates as well and they all seem very nice. It really reminds me of the Green house I was living in last year because of the retro design of the house, and how everything is really old in here. Also because there're 4 girls and a guy living here.

I guess one of the biggest things my Couch Surfing experience has taught me thus far is that people are remarkably nice. The very core of humankind, is compassion and generosity, just that for some people it's buried far deeper than others. I guess I believed that for a very long time, and I'd really like to continue believing in it, but it just seems harder and harder to keep believing in it.

However, what I've come to realise from my life abroad, and from my travels is that the people who you hardly know, are the people who treat you with pristine kindness, whereas the people you hold really close to your heart, has the largest advantage of breaking it into smithereens. I guess the universe is funny sometimes.

Hello, Sunshine!

2010-11-14T14:14:00.003+08:00

I just arrived in Gold Coast Australia this morning. At 7.15 am, I was greeted with a warm 24 degrees air, with soft breeze and bright sunshine! Ah...yep, definitely on a holiday!

My host, Brendon, met me at the airport because he was flying in from Melbourne and was arriving at the same time too. He's a nice guy, but I haven't talked to him much yet. He's away at work at the moment, but we're gonna have dinner later. He works in a gym! =)

The first number on my to-do list was to get a sim card. So when Brendon went off to work, I followed him (to get something to eat too, because I was famished). His gym is in Robina Town Centre which is an amazingly huge shopping mall, much like Pyramid, and very modern looking. Also, right smack at the entrance was was a HUGE christmas tree (like the one in Singapore) and Max Brenners. YUM. Such a huge change from Auckland. But because its a Sunday, most of the stores aren't open yet. It was only 9 am, and I had to wait till 10.30 before I could start shopping. But I managed to get myself a salmon wrap from the food atrium (much like the one in KLCC, I swear). The last time I ate was at 4.45 am Auckland time, which was aeons ago.

I was kinda sleep deprived because I've had about 6 hours of sleep in total for the past 2 nights, with going away drinks, and Christmas (early) parties. And my extremely early flight this morning. So yeah, I was pretty knackered. I just needed to get the sim card. After asking around and doing some simple math in my head, I opted for Virgin Mobile because they gave me good data plan and credit expiry for 180 days. =)

Then I hopped onto a bus to come back to Brendon's flat. $3.40 was the bus fare. That's ridiculously expensive!! That's like a 3 stage fare in Auckland!! And I was only going 1 stage! Oh wells, I guess I'm walking there tomorrow morning. Looks like a pleasant 3km walk.

I came back and had an hour's nap because by now my head was throbbing from the heat, and the dehydration and the lack of sleep. And now I'm just waiting for dinner. =)

So my virgin couch surfing experience, Day #1, has been quite pleasant so far. We'll see what tomorrow brings! =)

2010-11-11T16:52:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder if I would ever leave footprints in your heart. I wonder if you would sit down one day, and think about the times we had had together in the past. I wonder if you hold these memories close to your heart at all. I wonder if I made a mark in your life. And whether you really are better off having met me at all. I wonder if I've changed you in any way, big or small, for the better or for worse. And I wonder if, further down the road, you'll talk of me again, just in passing, to a friend who asked. And whether the sound of my name, would tug your heartstrings at all. A little self centred I know, but I guess I'll never find out.

83.33%

2010-11-09T19:55:00.000+08:00

I am 83.33% done with my degree. :)

declutter

2010-11-07T04:32:00.002+08:00

de.clut.ter (diːˈklʌtə)

— vb
	to simplify or get rid of mess, disorder, complications, etc:declutter your life

I'm starting with you.

A minute and a half? I'll take it.

2010-11-04T07:13:00.002+08:00

I've been meaning to post a race report sooner but I was tied up with exams, and my cousins, nieces and nephew, uncle and aunt, and grandfather was in town too! So I decided to cook a big feast for them and have them over for dinner, which was an ultimate success! My only regret was I did not take any photos. Bummer.

Oh and then my brother went and got himself engaged, so that kinda stole my thunder for a while. :P But CONGRATS Kor & Li-Ann! Finally i'm getting myself a sister soon. =)

Anyway.

I guess I have reached a stage where I should no longer expect 20-30 minute improvements on my race times. heh.

I did the Auckland Marathon on Sunday. It was a gorgeous day with clear skies and just the right amount of clouds to make it not too hot, yet not too cold. And for a pleasant change, Erin came with me this morning because she signed up for the full marathon too! That brave, brave woman. Even I wouldn't be crazy enough to do something like that...run a marathon as my first formal race.

So yes. About 2 weeks and a little more ago, I had worn the wrong pair of shoes by mistake to work. I had wanted to do a work out after work and I wore my old trainers which have absolutely no more support in its soles anymore. But I ran on the treadmill anyway. And it started from then. I had a sore left heel and it just never got better. I still kept up my running, 2-3 times a week, which really isn't that much. But I guess it never got the chance to heal. Roughly 8 days before today, I decided to completely shelf running and do spin/swim instead.

In the morning, my heel felt slightly tight, so I stretched my entire body out properly. Then I started to run. It wasn't extremely painful, but i could feel it there. I tried to ignore it. But at about 10km it started to play up. The pain was getting quite uncomfortable and I didn't know whether I should continue to plough through or slow down. I decided on the former, telling myself to just go on as long as I can bear.

The pain persisted, and I was sure I had a funny stride by now. I got slightly worried, and told myself that I will slow down when I hit 21k. Funnily enough, when I crossed the Harbour Bridge, the pain went away! It could've been the excitement, it could've been it was (finally) warm by then, whatever it was I just realised "Hey, it didn't hurt anymore! Go forth!". =D

The rest of the journey was pretty much the same. I maintained my pace to the best I could. Once in a while I could feel a sharp pain on my heel, but for some reason I was able to mask it quite well. I slowed to take sips at the drink stations, I ate both my GU gels, and I had a jetplane (jelly bean).

The best part of the race, I guess, was the fact that because I wore devil horns (It was Halloween!) people were cheering for me! I heard "Go Devil Lady!" and "Go Ms Devil!" and even "Go Horny!". hahaha...it was pretty cool because I sometimes sit and ponder how I could get people who don't know me to cheer for me at a race (to simulate home). =)

I had targeted under 4 hours - that's what I tell people. But really I had wanted to do it under 3:55. I had people I wanted to beat. But most of all, I had really wanted to come out strong from this race, hold my chin up high and feel really good about myself. Just so that I know nothing can bring me down.

I guess that last bit helped me achieve 3 hours 55 minutes. It's roughly a minute and a half faster than last year. I was pretty pleased, eventhough I had lost to Heather by about 4 minutes, that's ok. She did her PB too, so I'm proud of her. =) I did my best, and I felt great! I even went on to cook dinner for 10 adults and 3 toddlers that night. I'm awesome. =)

Whatever you say, it's your loss.

2010-11-02T08:12:00.003+08:00

It has been about 3 and a half days. And it still hasn't gotten any easier.

I am the walking wounded. Both physically and emotionally. The analgesia I obtained from my ecstatic PB at the Auckland Marathon has long worn off. The pain in my feet, my calves, my quads and hams...they all conglomerate together making me walk like a penguin with a broken ankle. Yet they feel nothing like the pained beating inside my chest.

I do not understand. For the life of me, I try to, but I do not understand your actions.

hurt.

2010-10-28T05:22:00.002+08:00

Every day has been a battle

To smile, to laugh, to sing a song

Every day, I lift my chin up

Yet every day never before felt so long

I try to think of things to do

Just to stick it in and pummel through

Somehow in silence my thoughts get clouded

Clouded by memories of you

It hurts just a little

Just a little too much some nights

It hurts just wondering what went wrong

How we started up these fights

I cannot let go, for no good reason

The memories buried within the heart

Where we laughed more than I cried

And we hugged more than we were apart

My thoughts are cruel to not let me forget

Words you have said to me

Songs you have sung to me

Places you have been with me

To sit in silence as I watch you

Appear online, and not say a thing

Makes my heart heavy with sadness

My eyes water, as the tears sting

It hurts to be ignored

It hurts that we've become such strangers to one another

It kills me every day, not knowing what to say

Not knowing whether or not things will ever get better

It hurts.

Friendly much?

2010-10-22T18:15:00.003+08:00

With Kiwis...or ang mohs in general, I can never quite draw the line between friendly and creep. I don't think I'm an overly sensitive girl, or perasan as they say it back home. I generally assume people have the best of interest, usually, and would only pick up if someone has ulterior motives only much later.

Which I suppose can be either good or bad, depending on the situation.

I was running along the waterfront this afternoon, and was just starting to climb up the hill, when I slowed to a walk. My left heel had been playing up, and I'm starting to get a little annoyed, seeing as the marathon is in 8 days. I had sincerely wanted to do 11.8ks today - something I have never done before during training. heh. But i ran probably about 5ks before I couldn't bear the nagging pain at my heel anymore. boo! =(

Anyway, I digress. I was walking up the hill when a stranger said "Sorry, excuse me. Hi. I noticed you running along the waterfront. What sort of distance are you doing?" And so we went on to chat about running, and the marathon, and training. He said he's only done 8ks but he wanted to get into it, and hopefully take part in a race some day. The conversation was light, and friendly until he said "Would you like to go for a run sometime? Can I take your number down? Maybe we can go for coffee?"

I flinched. Coffee, and going for a run, is pretty much among the most casual things Kiwis say to each other on a daily basis. Sure, he stopped me midway through my run/walk. And he saw me running along the waterfront, which meant he actually drove up to catch up with me from wherever he was before. And just went straight into conversation, just like that. Extremely random, but extremely casual. But the Malaysian in my head went, hang on...is this dude for real? Was he asking me out, or was he just being friendly? Is it just me, or was the setting a wee bit too random for someone to be asking another person out for coffee?

I said nah by the way. I told him he'll see me around the waterfront at some point. But I just found it so strange. Oh, I should probably add the fact that he was in his 40s or 50s. That could either draw it closer to "Friendly" or draw it closer to "Creep" huh? Hmm...I don't know.

***

On a different note, this is Nicky. I met her last year, when she joined Configure Express. She's a sweet girl from Germany, and she loves New Zealand. But she's been here for about 15 months now and is ready to go back to Munich. I'll miss her. I can't believe it's been 15 months since I met her. That bit of time seems to have flown by me. But it never flies fast enough to finish uni without me realising it.

2010-10-21T09:20:00.001+08:00

Paulo Coelho says...

Love is joy. Don't convince yourself that suffering is part of it.

Why I love working in a women's gym

2010-10-19T18:23:00.002+08:00

I came in to work today, and when I opened the office door, a familiar waft of bittersweet sin made me smile.

I saw this.

Why do I love working in a women's gym? Because they understand. =)